Saturday, January 22, 2011


I feel like, lately I always come here to moan. Thats really not how it is, its not so much that I am moaning, more reflecting, sometimes its sad and sometimes its not. But overall, I think I am dealing with things ok, all things considered. Though, if anyone who reads ever feels like I am being moany, please do tell me. Sometimes its good to her what others thing.

Last night, I was in a very happy, for no real reason. I enjoyed it. I was tired in the evening and planned to spend the night doing nothing in particular on the net. Instead, I looked up a pattern that I had been wanting to try since Christmas. It was not a very difficult thing, but it challenged me logically and manually. Figuring how to get the pieces together and how to get the right edges. But I did it after a few attempts (its nearly finished, just need to get something from the shop to finish it) I felt good afterwards. I learnt something new and I came away with something nice. I showed my mum and dad and they were both impressed. For weeks I had been down about things I cant do, but this is something that I can.

I have been doing a lot of thinking as well. I always say that I wanted to write this blog in hopes of finding people with the condition that I have so I can relate to them. And it has worked to a point. In the last year, I have spoken to a fair few people, through here, through a yahoo group, through a facebook group and few a few other journal sites. Whilst is has been a learning curve and something that I think helped, I am beginning to  think that perhaps deep down finding someone with the same condition, was not what I wanted/needed.

No, what would have been better would perhaps have been something like, finding someone with similar coping stragies as me, someone who perhaps deals with things in the same way. I dont want to blow my own horn so to speak, but of course bad news gets me down. My method for dealing with it, is that I usually get sad/mad for a couple of days and then I accept it and get on with it. I may disagree on part, I may look for alternatives, but I find the best way to go with it.

The person, in the last year or so who has left the biggest impression on me was Eva. I related a hell of a lot to stuff that she said and her whole attitude towards things. She was such an amazing person. I aspire to be like her.

The quiet acceptance, the compliance where need be, making the most of what you can and being thankful for anything anybody tries even if it dosnt for example work. I know this is not an easy attitude to have and I wouldnt expect most people to do it. But I think I need to find some role models and other people working the same way. I need to once again relate to people.

There are people at the other end of the scale and I dont blame them and I am cautious to what I am saying as I met a few of them through blogger, so it wold not surprise me if they were to read this. I dont mean it as offensive, just different.

Sometimes, it feels like, people kind of demand to be fixed, by the person of their choosing. Kind of 'I'm sick, fix me how i say, where I say, when I say.' I know that not everything can be fixed and I am eternally grateful for everyone who tries to instead improve things for me, even if they dont work. There is often a chance that I wont come away any better off, to which I say its worth a try. There is also a chance that I will become worse off, to which point, I weigh up the consequences and it becomes my discsion to take the risk or not. I would never bad mouth someone for the result.

I dont know, I guess I am contemplating thing a lot, my attitude, other attitudes. Good guy finishes last and all that shizz. But I am begining to ramble. I also have news in the land of tracheal transplants and such, but right now, I dont feel upto posting about it as I havnt figured out how I feel about it yet, so perhaps tomorrow.

No comments:

Post a Comment