honesty

I think perhaps my writing in her has drifted from its original purpose.
At the start, I wanted it to be my outlet, where I was truthful, no matter how much that hurt me. Then, when things where getting hard, and I didnt have the energy it took to keep everyone in the loop so to speak, I let people know about my blog so they knew where I was and such. As a result of this, news of what I was writting was trickling back to my mother and of course, not only did that hurt her, but it also meant a lot of ear bashing for me. So I delinked everywhere, and only online friends knew where the links were. Of course, anyone who was already aware of the link still knew about it.

Somewhere along the way things changed. Fear of upsetting my friends, or of my mum finding out what I had written, or even just not wanting to be a burden, meant that unconsciously, when I came to post here, it would always be upbeat for the most part.

I think I have bee fooling myself.
I can feel myself slipping once again. The self esteem going lower, the mood dropping, the urges returning. I find myself questioning myself, is my current energy dip due to my health, or my mood. And how far can I take things before people in the real world begin to notice.

I can in the most part, be sensible. I know that I need to do everything in my power to stay well for my admission on Monday and for the most part I can do that. I take the meds, run the nebs and when bad urges strike I wait them out and talk myself out of it. But every so often, it gets too much. I will have spent hours talking myself out the urges and finally settled them, until someone says something and its the straw that broke the camels back. I find myself digging out my sharps, playing with pills or simply reaching for a bottle. I am fine and I can deal with this, but I need to start being more honest with myself, things dont feel as rosey as they once did. I am spending money on stupid things, replacing emotion with material objects. I am overdrawn, which I have not been in many years. Of course this just adds to the things that bother me.

I need to get this under control, before it consumes me and things go back to the way they were.