Monday, January 03, 2011

Gotta have the rain

I am not one to make resloutions, I dont think making them just because the date has changed is any key reason to stick to them. Sure I would love to lose a bit of weight and all the other usual aspects that come up, but everything in its own time.

I think I am more so reflecting on the past year.
I have changed a lot. Grown, matured, begun to learn to trust, put myself out there so to speak. There has been a lot of heartache and panic, a lot of worry and sorrow, but mixed with all that, joy and elation. It has been a steep learning curve.

From finding out that my trachy was to be permeant, to losing my voice, to getting hope that a reconstruction would cure everything, to the let down when my breathing decreased. Coming to terms with the fact that my breathing may never get better to close calls with infection.

At the start of last year, I was a mess. I could barely walk, I felt disgusted at myself and struggled with the adjustments needed for a trachy. I spent most of my time online, with very little outside interest.

A year on, the trachy is gone, I know there is still the possibility of it coming back, but for the time being, I am free from it. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I have grown my hair longer than I have had it for years. I take some degree of pride in my appearance, not for what others think or see, but for myself. For the fact that, spending that time solely on myself in the morning is a calming thing, not to mention that I feel better and more confident in myself throughout the day.

I think this year, that I have lived each day more so like it is my last. Instead of the worries of money or putting things off till tomorrow, I have instead gone out and done what I have wanted to. I have built memories, happy, fond loving memories with the people who I care about. Memories are ever lasting. Memories get me through the tough times. I have surrounded myself with things I love. Dont get me wrong, I still wish for the closeness of a partner, of romantic love, but again, in the right time. Instead, I have gotten love from the people around me.

Love in so many differnt forms. From sharing pizza on hospital stair wells with a friend, to sitting in doctors waiting rooms with another friend, from staying up playing lego harry potter all night with my nephew and joking about it for the following 3 months, to going through old photos and pulling silly faces with my niece, to getting hyper on sweets and having strange conversations till the early hours with my other niece. To sitting over a glass of wine giving my sister relationship advice, even when I have little experience.

I know people care, I am surrounded by people who care. This is what I need. I have a feeling this next year is going to be a tough one for a lot of people myself included. As the saying goes, you cant have a rainbow without the rain.

Thank you everyone for your support and I hope 2011 brings you what you want and more. :)


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