Sunday, September 26, 2010

Weather the storm

Things have changed today.
I feel calmer, more at ease.
Last night, I had this weird feeling of dread, followed by a feeling of a feeling of what will be will be.
For so long, I have had the gut instinct that this surgery hasnt worked, that there will be further problems in relation to it. I have also always had the feeling that Tracheal Stenosis will be the thing that kills me.

However, last night I had this impending feeling of doom. As if, this is it, this is where my life should be, everything in the right place, everyone around in a manageable place. And I thought to myself, if I were to slip away now, I would be happy with that. There would be no regrets, no bitter or angry feelings, just slipping away.

But of course, your reading this now, which means that I am still here. Nothing happened last night, nor should it have. Yet my resolve has changed.

I no longer feel that pit of anxiety, I feel relaxed, at peace. That urge to be doing something has somewhat settled. The whole, things are going to get worse before they get better, dosnt feel like that any more.

Maybe I have weathered the storm and come out the other side. Maybe this is it now, I have had my trouble and now onto smooth sailing.

I guess in the long run, I wont know yet. But what I am going to do is to not make any big plans yet. I am not going to dive into anything. Instead, I am going to enjoy the next few months, taking them a day at a time. If by christmas, I am feeling better with no other problems, then perhaps it will be time to start looking at where to now. If I get sick between now and then, then I will just add a few more months on.

This is not the end, this is the beginning of an adventure. I have no idea where or how it is going to end up, but I know that it is going to be fun and full of change. Change is what I need now.

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