Change

Things are changing all around.
I am changing, the world is changing, medicine is changing. Relationships, ambitions, hopes fears and goals are all changing.
I have seen change before, change dosnt bother me.
Yet at the moment, I feel all mixed up with in it. Sloshed around and bounced about with no idea where I will come out.

I feel that I have matured through this admission.
To a point, I have always dealt with my own health care, but mum has always been on the sidelines, pushing where I would normally just complain and do nothing, she has been there as a comforter, as a spokesperson and of any other role that has been needed. This time however, I took note of getting worse, I sought out help and arrange treatment, I have gone through the admission, the treatments, the surgery and the bargaining with doctors on my own. I have fully taken on my own health and so far I seem to be winning. This is a good thing and I do feel good about it, but there is still a lot of change involved.

I was reflecting to myself earlier, that compared to some people, I have not been a patient for that many years, yet when I think about it, I have seen a fair amount of changes implemented, that have become normal. When I first became a patient there was hardly any things like hand gel, let alone some on every bed. Clot treatments were reserved to those who had had extreme surgery, now however, anyone in for more than a couple of hours gets stockings and those in for surgery or a few days get injections too. The ends on cannulas have changed. Always used to be open, with just a simple screw on and off, then in came the one way caps, which were brilliant but I remember when only a couple of hospitals had them so I used to pinch a few to change hospital with to make sure mine were clean. After that, these were further developed by needing to clean the caps before and after putting things through. All simple practices, but I do wonder how many lives are benefitted from a simple improvement.

But over those years, I have changed too and my ability to occupy myself. In the early days, I survived on books and occasional tv. I used to take in a portable CD player and headphones. Upgraded at one point to a portable dvd player and screen, back in the days when DVDs were new and shinny. But as time goes on, technology has enabled me to be more comfortable in hospital. I have my films, my internet, my friends, my life via a computer and a mp3. But does that take anything away from the hospital experience? I mean, does being better entertained make any difference to my hospital experience?

Without my computer, I would find it hard to keep in touch with people, especially when I had no voice, I would suffer mentally and probably be more depressed. But would I then find faith of being bored in hospital? More motivated to get myself well? Or am I motivated enough and the computer keeps me afloat.

I guess I entered the medical world at an odd time, at a time when most people are in the process of defining who they are and where they are going. Making up minds about careers, friends, personality. I was becoming a professional patient.

But hospital does not define who I am and I dont ever want to be defined by it.
I have my fears, but they are not what they used to be, in fact I dont think I recall what they used to be. I am not scared of death, I havnt been for a long time, but I am no longer wanting or waiting to die, I am waiting to live, to get on with things and see where I end up.

But I am also finding it hard to figure out where my next step will be. Am I getting better? Am I getting worse? Am I stationary? Sure, I can use medical tools to monitor my progress on a day to day basis, but, what about long term? My mind keeps asking where to now? Is this little blip back in hospital merley a blip, or will it progress to put me back to where I was a year ago? Will it go the other way around and by having this now, mean I can now get on and be fine?

There are so many variables, so many possibties. I dont do well sitting around, I need to know my next step, but I cant plan it till I know how things are going to be. I can feel my mind drifting whilst I am in here. I know that I need to fight my mind more than ever this week. As the steroids run through my body and my mind is sat still, all kinds of possibities are bought up.

I need focus, I need to keep myself occupied. I need plans and I need to find something to keep my hands busy. I guess right now, that is what I crave the most, something for my hands to do. I can watch TV and films, which work for my brain, I can walk around working my body, but my hands are restless, they need to be productive. Typing is not productive enough, I need something, though I am not sure what. Something perhaps crafty, more than anything, I need out of this hospital. I need to reevaluate how things are. There is no way to tell if you are well or ill when stuck in a hospital, there is just no judging.