Tuesday, September 28, 2010


Some days just seem to go past without noticing and other days seem like a constant battle from the time I wake. A physical and emotional battle.

On the hard days, I want to revert to being a 2 year old, to throwing my toys on the floor, to kicking and screaming, to shout to anyone who will listen that this isnt fair, this isnt what I wanted my life to be. I wanted fairy tales, castles and knights in shinning armor. Instead of medication stress and tiredness.

I made it home last night by about midnight. It was good getting out of the hospital and I even had supper out with a friend. (see that, I used the london word, supper. That isnt a term that is ever used here. Here supper, is like tea and toast that you have on the way to bed if its cold and you have a grumbly tummy, but London use supper for their evening meal. wierdos)

But I am developing a intolerance to the antibioitcs, which means after a couple of days, I get server stomach upset from them. My luck, it chose to kick in as I was on the way for the train. So the journey home involved a few bathroom visits, nausea and generally curling up around my stomach. Coupled together with screaming kids, who had huge bags from Hamleys, what had to go away once they were at home, as the presents had been bought for Santa to give to them in a couple of months (urgh, just urgh on that) so needless to say, I was pretty much exhausted when I got home and slept right away.

Ah the blissful lie in. After 6am wakeup calls, I was glad to get a lie in. I awoke at 9:30, gasping. I was once again sucking the air into my lungs. I sat up and began running a neb, but right through, I had tears running down my face and all I could think of was not again. I cant do this again, Running through options in my head this morning, and the thought of going back into hospital just made me want to give up completely. I cant keep doing this. I mean hopefully, this is just a hiccup and an adjustment thing, but it does make me wonder how much more of it I can take.

I did clear my throat a fair bit and managed to go back to sleep till 12. Woke up feeling hungover. Aching, tired just feeling out of it.

Then I spoke to mum. The criminal injuries place have decided that they are not going to award me any compensation. So after being told that I would get some money for the last 8 years, now they say I wont get any. There reason, I have a criminal record! A record that I wouldnt have if I hadnt been stabbed! The money was suppossed to give me something to put away for a securer future. So I could say, get a decent place to live eventually that wouldnt have a negative effect on my health. I also wanted to give a chunk of it back to my parents to cover some of the expenses they have had to go to looking after me.

I know if I had just been 'ill' I wouldnt have gotten any money, but this was suppossed to compensate for the trauma of it all. For the nightmares, for the stress, for the court hearings, evidence giving and appeal letters. To get me out of the area, so that I dont always watch over my shoulder.

I know I am lucky, but sometimes, sometimes it just feels like no matter what I do, there will always be something up against me.

Its been a long time since I harmed, but now, the thought is there and so strong.
Just sometimes, I want to wave a white flag and say, thats it, im done, I give up, you win world.

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