Sunday, September 12, 2010

Rambled thoughts

This weekend has been yet another example of conflicting emotions. Why cant you ever be in just a regular mood without feeling all over the place.

First of all, I took two big steps in the last couple of days. Well ok, there only silly little steps, but for me, they felt pretty big so I am going to blow my own trumpet so to speak. First off, I went out without anything around my neck. No dressing, no scarf, no collar. Granted I thought I was only going the chemist but ended up also in the supermarket *grumbles* But I did it. The chemist I was fine, but I felt a little self conscious in the supermarket, but hey its a start.

My second accomplishment was that I was that I went to a shop on my own. Let me explain that one better. When I had the trach, I was always to tired and to scared to be go far on my own incase I ran into 'difficulties.' Sure I would go out and such, but usually there would be someone around that I could get to in 5 minutes or less. But the other day, I needed the loo and wanted something from the other end of the village we were in, so I walked to a shop on my own, mum would have been about 15-20 minute walk away, yet I didnt feel scared. Absolutely exhausted and getting back, I stopped and sat down every 5 minutes, but it still felt big.

Last night I went the cinema to watch The Runaways.

Its basically the story of Joan Jett and her music career. I wouldnt say I was a huge fan of hers, but I do have a fair few of her latter songs on my playlists. She wrote I love rock and roll but my favourite song of hers is I hate myself for loving you. The film was good in the way that it kinda showed just how 'out there' she was at the time, when she wasnt allowed to play guitar on an amp as females dont play electric guitar.

I am straight, but I have to say, Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett, man, I would turn for her haha. Dakota fanning playing Cherrie Curry, was a much better actress and played the part most convincingly, but it was still Kristen that had my attention.

Then today, its my nephews birthday so we were going upto see him. And of course, his birthday, marks another set of memories from 9/11. I always stop for a few minutes today to give thought to everything and those who lost their lives. As wrong as it sounds, I always have to smile somewhat when I think about it. Yes it was a terrible incident, and those who instigated it were very wrong. Yet it restored my faith in humanity in a way. Its like, on one hand you have all this hate that makes people want to kill others, but the outcome of it, was all these people showing support. Support to their country, to those who had lost loved ones and to the rescuers.

I was in florida on holiday at the time, we were sat in a restaurant having breakfast when it came on the news. Everyone just stopped in their tracks and stared at the TV. Suddenly it didnt matter that the drinks were not being refilled or that the staff were not doing their job. Even the management came and sat by the tv waiting for news.

Bush was in florida at the time and so security was high. Within 40 mins of the first plane hitting, all the theme parks had closed and an hour after that all the malls closed. By mid afternoon, all the shops and resurants with their big lit up billboards outside had changed their messages from advertisements to well wishes for New York, there were collections being set up and people organizing travel and supplies for people who wanted to go help. Most holiday makers were sitting around the pool as most places were closed.  But every one of them came in to put the communal television on and listen to the presidents speech. It was all very surreal.

Even more so in New York, when people, no matter their age, gender, sexuality or color where out to do whatever they could, be it making food for the rescue workers or driving people about and helping to locate others. It was a tragic situation, but I think, even if only for a few months, people were closer, strangers would talk and families would tell each other how much they loved each other.

So today, was not only my nephews birthday, but my sister was moving house, so we went down to help her. It felt good to be helping her. Last time she moved, we were not able to help much as I was in intensive care (Last November) and my parents were too stressed with me to be much use. But this time, I was able to help and actully carry things up the stairs and such. Of course, I will pay for this tomorrow, my legs already ache today, but its the good ache you get with using muscles properly and knowing you did something to the best you could at the time.

Again, though, my thoughts strayed from on end of the scale to the other. I dont know how much I can write here for 'legal purposes' but it involved a female turning a male down and ending up in hospital because of it :/ Which brings me back to my old thinking that men really are not worth it, it can be scary and they can get violent for stupid reasons that you have no control over.

I also met my sis new 'boy toy.' Once again, everyone else had met him, but me as I had been in hospital. He genuinely seems lovely. He is good with the kids, good to my sister and easy going. Me who dosnt do much face to face communicating with males actually spoke with him a couple of times. Which was the complete opposite to the above paragraph. Maybe I need to stop generalizing, but how do you ever know if you have a good'un or a bad'en and do you get the time to find out before your in too deep.

Moving is stressful!
Most of the day, more than anything, I have wanted to pick up my youngest niece or nephew and just give them a big cuddle and make everything 'okay.' Their dad is basically being an ass. The youngest is very attached to people, she is at the awkward age and I think being bought up with hospital visits and emergency hospital dashes will have taken a toll on her. She always runs up to you for a hug as soon as she sees you. Yet her dad uses things like not hugging her as a punishment, which truly hits her where it hurts and I dont think it is fair to do that. It kinda bases love on behavior where parental and family love should be unconditional. You know you can do the whole, I might not be very happy with you right now but I still love you kinda of thing. But it is leaving her feeling very vulnerable. She is going through a lot of change, moving house, she has just changed to senior school and her older sister has moved out. Its taking its toll on her and she is getting upset easier. I just wish there was more I could do to make things better for her.

Then comes her older brother. He has 'difficulties' in some areas. He hates change. So moving for him is a big issue. He needs someone to spend the time with him going through things fully and making him feel a bit special and stuff to make up for his worrying about moving. They have little patience with him, espcially with it being his birthday today and him sulking as he wants everyone to be spending time with him and making a fuss over him, not being busy moving furniture.

ah, in a perfect world eh.

Didnt mean for this to be so long.
I shall end it now in anticipation of aching muscles tomorrow.

oh actually one last note. Thank you for everyones recent comments, they do mean a lot. But pretty please, on the annonamise comments, can I have some clues to who you are? Be it a name or a country or location. I am nosey and I want to know who is reading hehe and maybe return the favor of nice words and thoughts :)


  1. I'm a Laura from the US. Sounds like a good day all in all. Good for you going out without covering your neck up. I was the second anonymous on your last post =]

  2. Rebelmom here :D I've commented a few times anonymously, as I generally don't sign in before I read your posts. (I may also have commented "un"anonymously after arriving here from blogs where I did have to sign in ;D) I found you while reading Eva's blog, where you had left some really lovely comments. (I'm from Canada)