Friday, September 10, 2010


I have just spent the last 5 minutes gazing around my bed looking for my ipod. I had a feeling I was sitting on it, but just thinking about the effort needed to move in order too look was too much. I feel like I have been up for days, up and active. Instead, I have been up for maybe 13 hours of which, I have only moved for about an hour.

Last night, I went to be early, well early for me. In fact, I went even earlier. I found myself lying on my bed in my pjs at 8pm. This is me who goes to bed as the sun comes up. I had a migraine, that came on so suddenly. I had taken painkillers while in the car for my tooth but about 10 minutes after taking them, I started with a splitting headache. Got in about 15 minutes later and I couldnt see a hand in front of my face, couldnt even get the key in the lock, just blinding bright spots. Within minutes came the standard dizziness and nausea and as I had just taken painkillers, I couldnt swap to migraine specific medication. So on went the PJs and I went to bed. I dozed for a short while, but I had emails and things I needed to do online, so once I could see straight, i did a little on the computer, but not much. Then to bed.

Slept for 12 hours straight yet struggled to wake. Lazy day, not done much.

Had a GP appointment, arnt they always fun. My doctor was so pleased to see me without my trach, said it is the best news she has heard all month and was grinning ear to ear. Said she couldnt wait to tell my other doctor. Supposse its nice to know that they care that much. The two doctors have seen me through a lot, from transplant and recovery, numerous infections and emergency appointments often followed by emergency admittence, through my self harm and psych treatments to the more recent stuff. They know I am sensible and that if I request an emergency appointment, that I do genuinely need one. I have a tendency to get sick quick and usually on a friday.

I did mention the tiredness and about wanting to lose weight. I got the answers I predicted I would. Your bound to be tired, you just had major surgery and a lot to adjust to, give it time and get plenty of rest. And comments like, you should be able to lose weight easily now, you have incentive and time and your not permanently focused on your next breath.

This is all true, yet that foreboding feeling that this isnt the end of it all still seems to hang over me. Again, I know this feeling is due to past issues always arising, which they are not going to do this time. But that is fine in theory, dosnt make it any easier to deal with though.

This evening, my hair has been bleached. The red was so faded it looked more orange and icky. I left it one for a long time, yet the remains fo the red were being stubborn and not fading out. Eventually, after having it on for over double the suggested time, I washed off. Its burnt my scalp, which I expected, just means I will be stuck with dandruff for a while, but I can deal with that. Right now, it is white/blonde on the roots and pink on the ends. Looks kinda funky actully. Tomorrow it will go red. YAY cant wait.

And now? now I am going to curl up and sleep a very deep sleep.

I am still amazed at just how much easier going to bed is. Theres no restocking tissues, drinks, saline and nebs before bed. No sterilizing spare tubes and making sure there are enough tubes to last the night. No suction and no filters. Just simply, im going to bed and get in. Its the same going out, no getting my out of the house bag ready or making sure I have enough packs of tissues in stock.
Please dont ever let em need a trach again.

This weekend is going to be a challenge. My sister is moving (I was in hospital last time) and we are going to help. Sure by Sunday I will know what real exhaustion is.


  1. Dear Kim:
    When you have had all of the experiences you have had, through your various surgeries, emergencies, unexpected problems, etc., you are bound to have that ominous, foreboding feeling - cause that's how it happened before. You did sooo much research into this procedure, and your outcome has already brought you so much more ease (in your bedtime routine, in your "going out" routine) that I think just the recovery from all your body had gone through prior to the surgery, and your recovery from the surgery itself (which was not a small procedure) will take time. And the re-thinking how your life works (and will work) into your future also takes time. When you've struggled just to breathe and now face so many less limits on what lies ahead for you, it also takes your mind some time to adjust as well!
    Take care of yourself on the road to your future - ♥

  2. Kim,
    Quite simply, you inspire me.