Sunday, August 22, 2010


Its this time of day I like best.
When all the lights are off and everywhere is quiet. Im left to my own thoughts, knowing I wont be disturbed or watched.
I dont like being stuck in hospital, but my backwards routine comforts me.
I always sleep better in the day, surround by people. I guess I feel safer. I do love sleep, but deep down, sleep leaves you vulnerable. I remember back in ICU, the only time I would sleep was if I had my mum holding one hand and my dad holding the other. The comfort of having others close.
Sleeping in the sun feels safe, with noise and banging around, knowing people are there and see everything should anything happen.

And when night comes, I get peace, I get perspective, I can reflect.

I am playing the waiting game so to speak.
I wait for my body to heel, wait for my breath to come back to me, forget sometimes that my normal breath is not there.

Get up off my bed with aim of heading some place, but within a few paces, my lungs begin screaming and I am bought back to reality. Slow my pace down. Stop frequently while my lungs catch up. Get ready to move, shoes on, jumper on, tissues in to pocket. Sit down for 5 minutes and wait it out.

Showering takes so much energy that hair washing becomes near impossible. Morning strip washes substitute most days. But even then, a chair is need, a few minutes rest between washing each area. Then back to bed for more sleep.

I want to be out doing, moving, talking, singing, jumping, dancing. Not lost within sleep and panic.

Panic becomes a normal activity.
Coughing painful, bent over double to offer extra support to my chest.
Then it sneaks up on you. You notice that suddenly, you feel like you are breathing faster, gasping more.
Time for a tube change and another good cough.
It hurts.
Everything hurts tonight.
Disappointment at not being able to move much.
Knowing muscles are wasting yet again.
I fight, I am fighting, I dont want to get more unfit, I dont want to lose the muscle tone I have worked on, but I feel I have no choice at the moment.

Im tired, I am beyond tired, Im exhausted.
When does pushing yourself become to much and how much pushing can one body take.
Maybe I expect to much at this point.
Lets try a different strategy, maybe rest more. My body wants rests, so tomorrow it will get rest.

Tonight, I am going to take my pills and curl up around the pain.
Bury myself under the blankets with my headphones in.
Breathing exercises
Mind exercise to stay calm.

I need to make it to Monday.
Monday I can speak to a doctor.
Make them listen!
I have to make them listen.
Even if I cant talk.

Its time to pull out the stops.
Argue with them.
Its so hard to let them know what is fully wrong without speaking.
I am a verbal person, not a written person.
Monday isnt all that far off.

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