Friday, August 20, 2010

The sweet sweet smell of freedom

Last night was another long one.
It was one of those nights when I was exhausted enough to sleep, but it took a while to get to sleep.
And every time I was just drifting off my chest would complain and I would find myself sitting bolt upright coughing my guts up.

A couple of times a nurse would come in and shine a light at me to see if I was blue yet (ha) or to give me a pat on the back. They offered all the usual, nebs and suction, and I of course refused, determined not to waste anymore awake time on my chest willing my body to go to sleep and my lungs to stop complaining.

Been experiencing some pain in my throat today as well. If I lift my chin, I get a pain down my neck and some other fun random pains. But the worst thing today is that I have started to struggle with my tablets. Since my op last week I have only been taking my meds one at a time. Most go down ok, but today the capsules have begun to get stuck. Lets hope they slide down a little easier tomorrow. Though I think the hospital tempt you a bit too much with the delivery. I mean, small plastic glasses to me have always symbolized alcohol shots, which is usually a good night from what I remember. But here they fill the shot glass with little tablets. bah I prefer the older method of shots.

So, today I have been behaving. I have been running the dreaded nebs, in the hopes of getting a good nights sleep tonight. I have also been going crazy stuck on the ward, so after much pestering, the doctors have given me permission to leave the ward on the condition that I have somebody with me and that I dont leave the actual hospital. Ok, its not great, but it certainly is something.

So off I went on my little adventure with my mum. I wanted to go to the shop and pick a magazine. No real reason, it was just an excuse to get off the ward. I dont know where anything is in this hospital. I arrived by ambulance coughing and spluttering and in pain. I came out the shop and mum asked if I wanted to see the front of the hospital. I was in too minds. The walking around felt great. Stretching muscles that have not been stretched for a week, giving my lungs a good work out. But at the same time it was hard work. Within minutes I was gasping for breath and that was walking slowly.

The tube I have in at the moment has an inner diameter of 5.5mm, thats about the size of a McDonalds straw and boy did I feel it. I did however, push myself to head out.

What I found was a nice looking front. A pond with fish, sculptures and shops outside. I couldnt go any further. It was disheartening and chocking. I wanted to go breathe some fresh air, to expand my lungs and appreciate the day. Instead, I was met by a cloud of thick smoke. People stood around everywhere with cigarettes. It makes me want to scream sometimes. They are at a hospital and they are damaging their body without a care, while I am gasping for reasons that were not self inflicted.

But anyway, it was nice to get outside. Nice but exhausting. Coming back up in the elevator, I thought I was going to pass out. My body was crying out for air, begging me to breathe deep, but I couldnt get the old stuff out quick enough to get the new stuff in. I literally collapsed onto my bed and straight into another coughing fit.

Sweat was pouring off me. Couldnt undo my scarf quick enough, mum helped, and helped me out of my jacket. Took about 15 minutes to catch my breath again.

It was a stark reminder of how much I hope this operation has worked. If it has, it will be so worth it and I will be so so grateful. I cant keep my life on pause any longer. Being in hospital has shown me that. Yes, before I came in I wasnt doing much, but I was looking and feeling generally ok apart from the tiredness. I miss that, I miss the small social things I would do, like having a friend over or going to see my sisters kids. My resolve is made. This needs to work. And for this to work, I need to kick my butt into gear and help the situation.

This mean exercising more and cutting down on what I eat. I need to lose weight, I need to get fitter. I need to let it rest when it wants to and I need to do the treatments meant for me. Regular nebulisers, humidification no matter how stupid it looks. If i look after my body, maybe it will repay me in kind.

oh, and look what I just stumbled on on the internet.

Im sure you all know that, it is a copy of the old Pokemon cards. Ah happy memories with them. but but but its like the Trachea! how amusing.

So here is to health and improving and getting better!
Bad feelings about this dont count, I am now putting in the positive vibes as I want this to have worked, I need this to have worked.

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