ahhhh bliss

I had a real shower!!
Now you are probably thinking eww have you not had one before, well no, not a real one.
After surgery I had to keep my chest dry, my right thigh dry and my neck dry. Well, the dressing has eventually come off my thigh, so it was only my neck that I had to be careful of, so I jumped in the shower.

It was hard work, but it was bliss. Hot water washing some of that tension away. Up until then, I had been living on strip washes, which are fine for actually getting clean, but not feeling clean. The shower, just felt so much better. Granted there was no shower chair, so I did find myself sitting on the floor for a large part of the shower. I had to keep getting my breath back between each task and tilting my head back to wash my hair, was a little awkward.

I came out complete exhausted, but feeling a heck of a lot fresher. Not only that, but the shower helped with my circulation. My cheeks had a lovely pink flush to them instead of my grey/white look I have been wearing lately.

Its strange when I think of how much I have changed over the last year. When I was admitted last year, my hair was as short as could be, I lived on the computer and the only think I craved whilst in hospital was more time to spend on the forum I use. I had always been a tom boy, didnt care for looks and generally lived in oversized t shirts and combats. Now however, the thing I am missing and craving most is things like my hair gel and my make up. I dont think that it is because I am vain as such, more so that I like the confidence boost that looking better gives me.

The biggest thing I have always said is that I want to be as close to normal as possible. Least amount of fuss and special treatment that I can live without. Things like I never told anyone I was deaf as I didnt want them to treat me differently. Same with things such as breathing problems. Of course it got to the point, where you could tell and I couldnt hide. That was when I couldnt live without the special treatment as I couldnt keep up.

Things are the same now. I dont want that gray pallor of a sick person who never sees sun. I dont want people to look at me and the first thing they see is a sick person. I dont want sympathy just because I am deemed as sick. Its like when my brother got back in touch with me, the night before I got my trach. Dont get me wrong, I miss him a lot, but the fact that he only contacted me that night, then when I was out of immediate danger he didnt get back in touch. I dont want people like that around me. It happened last time, when I was first stabbed.

Loads of people came to see me in hospital, to get a look so to speak, but didnt bother again after that. People who I had not got along with in school, ones who I had kinda had a 'I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone' type of relationship with, were suddenly crying for me and wanting to visit. Of course it didnt last, because there was a reason we were never close to begin with.

On a totally different note, I seriously want to kill the girl opposite. She isnt in because she is sick, she has had cosmetic surgery so its all her own doing, she hasnt had to deal with any limitations and such. Yet she never stops moaning!! Its tiring just listening to her. She tells the staff at least once and hour how uncomfortable she is and how much pain she is. She even called a nurse last night to turn her light off, when the button is right next to her bed and I heard her reaching further than that to get into her cupboard. She then spent half an hour whining about how none of the staff have time for her and they dont care about her. The staff spend a lot of time with her, but she isnt helping herself. Refusing to get out of bed, not having any meals and worst of all munching when she thinks no one is around and then you hear her throwing it up. The nurses had to stop her the other day from sticking her fingers down her throat. She says she is tired, but she was up till 1am this morning on the phone. My sympathy for her ran out a long long time ago.

Fingers crossed they are kicking her out to day. Though it is getting a little old now, watching people being admitted and discharged whilst I sit on the sidelines.

But on that note. Surgery tomorrow!! eeeee.