Saturday, August 28, 2010

Small things and Big Thanks

The sunrise this morning was truly breath taking.
From this angle, the sun rises from right next to the London eye and this morning the sky was bright orange right across the horizon. I really wish my camera had been closer to me and I had been upto getting up to capture it. I was coughing at the time, but looking out over the scene, kinda made me feel a lot calmer.

I slept last night. Actually slept through. Think it was about 1, when I settled down and I didnt wake till 6. Thats really good going for me at the moment. Last night I managed to prop myself pretty upright to sleep. Usually I cant settle sitting up, but I was aching all over last night, so I actually took the Codeine. And it helped a lot. My aches vanished, but it pretty much wiped me out, hence why I was able to sleep better.

Waking was still a little scary, but not so bad. I kinda describe it a little like drowning. You know that feeling when you accidently end up under water and you come up coughing and spluttering, feeling the cold liquid in your lungs and you know you have to get it out. Its kinda like that, but this liquid is thicker than water. But I can feel it, feel it rattling in my throat, feel it settled in my lungs. Once I start coughing to remove the stuff in my throat, it disturbs the stuff in my lungs and I cough twice as hard.

I had a lazy morning and slept for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Again, woke from my nap coughing tons up again. Mentioned all this to the doctor today. She said, for now they wont do anything, but might do something on Monday ready for surgery on Tuesday. Well gee thats helpful. So if its an infection, your not going to test for it till the day before. >.< Gah, lets hope its all clear and clears up.

Cam came to visit again today. We had chinese take out yum yum. Though hers was gross. She had salt and pepper squid (eww) though she burnt her tongue on a Chile (haha serves her right for eating disgusting food!)

We went and sat in the restaurant downstairs which was empty as it was shut. There is an old piano in on one side and after a few minutes of sitting there, music started to fill the room. It was good music as well. Clear notes, all played with right timing and depth. Of course we began laughing at how we were sat at a table on our own being serenaded, just needed the candles to make it romantic.

Once we finished eating, we were just sat talking and the man who had been playing got up and walked across the room. He then saw us and suddenly starts yelling obscenities, about hoe he is going to kill us and such and then he vanished. Funny, but I dont think he had realized we were sitting there and perhaps he got a little embarrassed that we had heard him play. Still it was sweet, well not the killing part but the music and of course the break from the ward.

We went to the day room to watch a film and when we came back, the moon was just rising. What timing. It was huge and orange again. This time I did have my camera with me, though I still got annoyed at the bounce back from the window.

I dont know if its the sensory deprivation from being stuck in here or missing my sense of smell and voice effecting my other feelings. But I do seem to be taking more pleasure from the little things around at the moment. The beauty of the world, the magic of friendship, the enjoyment of doing something out of routine and the general feeling of contempt with what I have and who I am, even when I am annoyed at how things have turned out.

I guess its a nice feeling. For so long, all my thoughts and feelings have been consumed by depression, twisted and disfigured beyond recognition. I mean sure, I always knew a pretty scene when I saw it, but it was always a kinda, oh thats pretty, now back to me. Now though, I find myself mesmerized by the beauty, staring at it for long periods. I am in awe at what the world can do naturally, without any effects or manipulation.

When I was young, I read this book called The Gift, by Danielle Steel (yeah sad I know, but it came free with the butter and I was only in juniors so read it anyway.) It is about a girl who is used and gets pregnant and how it goes on to help others. Since I read that book, I became a firm believer in fate and that everything happens for a reason. A theory that I still believe today.

I hated being depressed, but perhaps, there were reasonings behind that. Without the depression, would I be appreciating the beauty of things now? I know depression, has made me ok with spending large amounts of time in my own company. I have learnt to occupy myself and generally be ok with my own thoughts buzzing around my head.

Without the self harm, I dont think I would be who I am today, I wouldnt have the compassion nor the understanding of just wanting to destroy yourself. The feelings of control when everything is out of control, the need to satisfy your own sick thoughts. But more than that, without all the negative stuff, I wouldnt have the people I have around me now. I depend a lot on my family, they have helped me through the tough parts and been there unconditionally for me. They have taught me what love and contempt is. They have always encouraged me to fight and to make the most of the hand I have been dealt.

Of course, there is only so much family can do or know. After that I depend on my friends. I depend on them to know when to push and when to just offer a shoulder or an escape route. To know when I need to get out or when I need to snuggle down and not move. The ones that do the hospital visits in style, the ones that bring take away and films, the ones that break the time up and try to introduce some normality into a hospital schedule. 

I cant begin to imagine how I would have coped being so far from home for so long, without having a friend close by. Someone to lift my spirits, to console me and ask the right questions. Someone to gossip and bitch with. Someone who will fight my corner when i cant and actually take the time to allow me to socialize. London would have been a lot harder without them, so thank you.

I didnt have any intention of rambling on in this post but there you go.

1 comment:

  1. I should have been in bed a long time ago but I just read this and my food was nommy but that chile was EVIL!