Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fingers crossed!

Well 3 weeks has now passed. And tomorrow, I am back in surgery to get this stent taken out!!

What that basically means is, if they take the stent out and my airway holds itself open, then the operation has been a success. If that happens then in a couple of days, I can have the trach out!!! eeekk how good would that be.

No more airway irritation, no more coughing fits, no more nebulizers. Ability to walk more than a few steps without gasping, ability to talk, ability to laugh and use the phone once again.

If it works, then I will be so happy and so grateful.
I would be able to get back to living fully. Back to uni, back to socializing, back to being active.

Its been over 7 years since I could breathe normally and 12 months since I had server difficulties. Along the way I have learnt a lot about myself and others. About how different things effect us all differently. But i feel I have learnt enough now. I am ready to move on.

I am nervous, nervous beyond belief. There is so much resting on this. My mind keeps running over all the things that could go wrong and what would happen then. I dont want to even think of those things, I must remain positive on this one. It will work and everything will be great.

I do wonder though, if it works, how much adjustment things will take. It took me a couple of days to get out of the habbit of covering my trach to talk. With having the stent in, if I covered it, I couldnt breathe at all now make a sound. It is strange how your mind does adjust to things. For example, I would be watching a tv programme, where someone was working and walking at the same time and for a split second, my mind would say how on earth can they be using both hands and talking at the same time. Of course common sense would then kick in, but that second was there on many occasions.

I havnt found not talking as hard as I thought I would. Of course there are times when it was frustrating. When I have wanted to make a sarcastic comment or argue my point. There have been times I have had to hide behind others, for example, when ordering items from a shop or restaurant. There have also been things that I have put off as I didnt know how I would do it with no voice, such as eye tests. But, there have been times when I have been glad to not have to talk. When I could hide behind my silence. People find it harder to know your mood when you dont speak to give clues.

I also wonder what the nurses will think if I get my voice back. They have never known me with a voice. They dont know I have an accent, half dont even know I am from Liverpool. Then comes the sound of ones voice and the pitch. But then there is nothing to say that this wont change. I used to have a fairly high voice, after my first trach years ago, my voice become lower and 'husky' I hated it, some people said it was sexy. Ah I am getting ahead of myself.

Mum and dad are coming back down tomorrow. Makes things even more scary haha. They have sent me messages of love incase they dont see me pre surgery. As have most of my familiy. And a lot of the nurses have been in to wish me luck and ask if I am nervous. I really hope I have a nice nurse on with me tomorrow, perhaps Corrin, she is one of the nicest on the ward.

Ekk, all I can say is fingers crossed

oh oh oh, I also just got an email telling me that I have received a blogging award. *squeals*
How exciting. (I am actully really excited about this and grining like an idiot. Its nice to know people are reading and such)

Medical Billing
Medical Billing

Thank you


  1. crossing my fingers for you too! goood luck and here's hoping that you get to do the things you want to ..... :D

  2. Thinking of you today xxx