Some days

I wish that things were more predictable.
Some days, I am pretty normal, you would know from looking at me that there is anything wrong. I can push myself and I can have good days, I can really push and have a couple of good days. I can to a point put a front on and grit my teeth and get on with things, without anyone knowing that I am feeling rough.

But then other days, days like today. I just feel so weary and tired that I have not the ability to care about keeping up appearances.

I slept well last night and got plenty of sleep. I did go out yesterday, but it was for a short time and I didnt push myself I just took things slowly and such.

And then I awoke this morning, and all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep for another few hours. I forced myself to get up and dressed. My usual routine now would be to help mum with dinner then we usually do something, like go for bread and milk and such. But I just didnt have the energy. I sat in the chair, staring into space. I managed to go out and get a drink just as dinner was done. I sat watching tv after dinner with my mum, shivering and feeling further exhausted.

I went up stairs to get a jumper, sat on my bed with my jumper on catching my breath and just couldnt move. If I was staying in I would normally play on the computer or read or something, but instead, I ended up curled up kinda drifting between sleep and awake for about 3 hours.

I had a routine doctors appointment to go to, to get my holiday meds sorted. Managed this, but had to ask mum to drive me as I just didnt feel up to driving.. Went home and curled up on the sofa. Didnt help with tea, didnt wash the tea dishes. Dragged myself upto bed, put the tv (which I hardly ever do) and just lay watching it all evening, I dont even know what I watched.

I cant even sleep in tomorrow, I have to be up mega early (for me anyways) as I have Liver clinic in Leeds. First one since I got trach. So thats about a 80 minute drive each way, plus time in the middle for bloods and examinations and speak to the doctors. blah. My dad has altered his shifts to take me so that he can drive. I just hope I dont feel as exhausted tomorrow.

oh and as for the doctors, my swab came back. I have cleared the staphylococcus but the pseudomonas is still present. I dont have a temperature, so it does seem to be just in my trach site at the moment, however, I have to do a sputum test first thing in the morning (joy of joys.) and have that sent off to be tested. Then I have a nice course of cipro to complete. Which I hope work as I finish them the day I go on holiday so if it dosnt clear it up, it will have to stay there for 2 weeks.

On that note, I can barley keep my eyes open. The only reason Im sitting here writting is because I forced myself to run my nebs, though it was a battle. So im going to crawl into bed now. And be up in 6.5 hours.