How great would life be if we lived a little of it everday.

So its time to stop being whiney.

Why should I be unhappy about not being ill? (double negative make a positive uh im rubbish at grammar meh)

No I dont have tumor, but I do still have the symptoms, so I am not making it up. I am also recovering from a rather intense few months where I was pretty ill. They dont keep you confined to bed rest in ICU for nothing. Yes I do feel crap at the moment, but I have beaten worse this. I have come far.

Tonight is a night of reflection. Yes I have had some pretty big set backs and I accept that, but what matters is that I keep trying, you never know what is around the corner right? When I was in ICU with my transplant, my mum took photos, when I would let her. Most of the time I sulked and said your taking a photo of me while I look like this, of course I wasnt always awake so it dosnt always work like that. I have 3 of them on my computer, i must find the others and upload them at some point. The three I have are not very good as I think I had to photo them to get on here, again will get around to fixing that at some point. But the purpose of these photos, was for when I started to get better, I could see how far I had come.

These two are from the first hospital I was and so was before my transplant and tracheostomy.

Ha check out the tan, gotta say I didnt look to bad for liver failure. Tube in my mouth was to keep me breathing, one down my nose was to keep my stomach empty of things such as bile and acid. Central line in my neck to give IV medication and such, catheter in my bladder to drain out urine, lots of medications including knock out meds and pain meds.

This was was taken post transplant (which happened on 14 December), but must have been after christmas as I have my trach in. I am also guessing it was before my birthday as I still have a feed tube down my nose in this one, but my stomach could not tolerate food, so I later had a peg tube put through my abdomen into the lower part of my stomach.

                                     

You cant really see it on this, but there is a thick red line across the pillow going to the dialysis machine as my kidneys shut down, which you can see looking at my size difference from the top picture. I just ballooned up in a  matter of days. Oh and the dude in the white coat, nope thats not my doctor, thats Jimmy Savile, not that I even knew who he was, or where I was for that matter. I also have a blood pressure cuff on instead of the usual measurement in ICU with an arterial line, as they had to take out the least important lines when I bled out and started getting clots.

So if I can get from that, to the point where I was able to partake being a full working nurse, I can improve on where I am now. Its just going to take some work and some time. But there is no rush. I will get there when I can.

I will be going on holiday in 28ish days, for almost three weeks. And when I come back? well then it will almost be time to go to London. I am going to try to use the holiday as a rest period. Nothing expected of me. I wont be doing any of my usual online work, I wont have any appointments and I will have time to sit and read, sew, play with my camera and mess around with photoshop. I can rest fully and take care of myself properly. The sun, will hopefully also do me good. Plus, being away with my parents, I will more than likely end up in a decent sleep pattern of a night.

Once, i get back? Then I think it is going to be time to get my butt into gear at getting well. I need to cut the crap out of my diet and lose some serious weight. Ideally I would love to lose about 5 stone, but even losing 1 would make a huge difference, so that will be my first goal. Im not going to go on any stupid crash diet nor am I going to join any expensive club like I did last time. Im also going to try to avoid weighing myself weekly and such as I know if i dont have a good week, I will just throw the towel in. Im just going to cut the crap out, cut down on my bread intake, increase my fruit intake and see where that goes. Im also going to try to force myself to do 40mins on the wii every night, and might thrown some running up the stairs in too.

The doctors can only fix so much, the rest I need to take responsibility for and do myself.