Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I feel lost again.
I dont know how much to put in this blog. My pride is standing in the way of making true posts.

I want to be a good role model, I want to be one of those people that others look to and trust, but right now, I dont think I can be trusted. Im disgusted at myself for what I am doing, yet I cant bring myself to change it.

Im heading backwards. Back towards no man land, where I need constant supervision. Everyone thinks Im past that, that I have moved on and doing well. But truth is, that I am slowly crumbling.

Haunted by vivid dreams about death and in the waking hours, many things keep coming back to me. Every time I think I have taken a step forwards, something else hits. Be it a news article about Peter or a mention of reckless behavior that sends me spiraling into craving things again.

I dont feel comfortable right now posting here about the things I am most ashamed of, but I know that I need to change it sooner rather than later. I am posting elsewhere as a record and so I can get it out, but here is just to accessible at the moment.

I dont know, I know i should seek help, but a part of me is reveling in this comfortable feeling of self destruction. Not having to deal with things emotional as I just turn it all physical. Being able to beat myself up over things.

I dont want to go backwards. I dont want to end up back under a psych there is too much to lose right now.
I feel alone and confussed about this. There isnt anyone I can speak to about this.
I crave human touch.
And I crave peace from all of this.
Im ready to give up.


  1. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment at my blog. I have been quite negligent updating so far this year, but this is about to change! Just added two new entries not too long ago!!!

    Also, plan on spending some time here getting to know you and your situation.

    peace, love and happiness...


  2. Kim,

    I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. My thoughts are with you. Big hug...