Thursday, April 15, 2010

Wrongful disappointment

My feelings are everywhere tonight.
I feel like crap, when I have no right to and should technically be happy about it.
I feel rather guilty about it, but im going to type it out anyway, I always promised to bare all, even if I am not to proud or happy with it.

So had a doctors appointment today. I made it to discuss the Cushings. The only appointment they had was at 8am, now I am not a morning person and dont usually get up till after dinner, so it was might difficult actually moving at that time of the morning.

So I showed my GP the letter and she read it through. She then said that she didnt know I had it and that it must be a mistake otherwise I would have been referred to an endocrinologist. She said she would look into it and get back to me.

Well, she rang up tonight and spoke to my mum.

I do have cushings, but I not proper cushings. Cushings is caused by a tumor on your pituitary glad or adrenal glad, mine however is caused by the steroids I was taking while ill. So the good news is that I shouldnt need any tests are surgery or medication to fix it. It will just taper out itself within about 6 months.

Yeah see, I should feel good.

But I dont.

Cushings fitted with everything. The reason I was so tired all the time, the sleepiness, being so fat, the high blood pressure. Yes some of that could still be caused by the cushings, but they said 6 months. Its 5 months now since I stopped them. I should be feeling better or at least begining to. But im not. I feel like I am going downhill. I sleep constanly, im putting weight on faster than ever, my mood swings are getting worse. But its all down to me.

I thought the cushings was going to be something that I had had for a while, the reason why i have felt so shit for so long. Perhaps even have blamed it on my whole being crazy and spending time on a psych ward.

But its not, it dosnt go that far back.
So now it is truly time to face upto what a fat lazy failure I am. Trying to make excuses for why I am so lazy and staying in bed.

I feel like I have lied to myself.
And I know that I should be pleased that I dont have a tumor.
But by having it, it would have meant I could be fixed. But this is who I am. This big lazy blob.
I hate myself so much, and now I need to face that it truly is me I hate. It is my personality, which you can hardly change.

I have not cried through any of this, but now I cant stop the tears.
I need to destruct. I need to show my body and my mind how much I hate it. So many thoughts and feelings. I want out of this body. I want out of this life.
I have had enough fighting.
Im tired
and usless
and disgusting

1 comment:

  1. I know you don't know me and I just found your blog but I love your writing. Please don't harm yourself in any way and please don't end your life. You are a very special person and God has a reason for you on this earth. I'm sure you are helping all of us that have to deal with pain every day. Please don't cry because I make it a rule to never let anyone cry alone. Just know that someone is praying for you and waiting to hear from you.