Friday, December 04, 2009


I havnt posted for a few days. Its been a roller-coaster of emotion. I have no idea how I feel.
Yesterday, I managed to walk the length of the ward and back. Something I havnt been able to do for the last 6 weeks. It felt good being able to do it.

Today I had my tube changed. I now have a speaking valve which means that I dont have to cover the tube to talk. This makes things much easier and normal. It means i can breathe out of my nose and mouth. I can blow my nose again lol.

These are all positive things. Im improving.
But there are always buts. The tube looks ugly. Its cumbersome. I have had to start learning to care for the tube. Not done any suctioning myself, but swapping the tube for a talking one to a suction one I have done. I can see the scar on my neck more now. It does look big but i know it will fade. Not that it much maters as it will always be under the trachy ties anyway.

Im hardly using any suctioning. The meds are working so well.

Yet there is still a part of me that feels sad. Knowing I will never go swimming again. Never smell anything. What about that lovely christmas smell in the morning of the turkey or the pine tree. Just distant memories now.

I joked earleir about needing longer to wake up of a morning as I have to build myself. Put my glasses on, put my hearing aids in, put my speaking valve on. Like a bionic woman.

And then of course there is the fear of being well. I will leave my little supportive community I have built up here. I wont be in and out the ward all the time, so I wont have the support of all the nurses. I wont be in and out of theatre so I wont have the support of the theatre staff. They have all done so much for me, there like friends some of them. But as I get well, I will lose this. I know i wont need as much support if im well, but I cant help but feel I will miss it. This place has become familiar to me and i dont know how much longer that will be for.

I dont know where to go with my life now. What steps should I take from here.
I feel lost once again.
I have a heavy heart tonight.

1 comment:

  1. B.A.
    I am sorry that you are feeling down tonight. Hopefully as time moves forward you will start feeling better.
    It is hard to say good bye to the friends you've made I'm sure. I was sad when my transplant coordinator took a different job at another hospital. You get to where you trust these people and depend on them. At least I did.
    I'm sure brighter days are ahead. It may take a while to get there, but hopefully not too long.
    Best wishes to you.