But whats got to me more at the more is how accustomed I have become to my environment. There is a young girl in the bed opposite me, she is probably about the same age as I am and has just come back from theatre. Yes she is rather drugged up and sleepy and such, but she just looks so scared. Every time the machine beeps its like she jumps. She dosnt look relaxed here.
And I cant help but think , that perhaps I shouldnt be so relaxed here. Should heart montiors, oxygen, hickmen lines, IVs, medication all be part of normal life? Should I be surround with such things and thin nothing more of them than I do with inanimate objects such as cups or blankets. They all serve a purpose.
I know I trained as a nurse, but really at 23 should I have the medical knowledge that I do. Should I be instructing the staff how to set up a piece of equipment like I have just done tonight? Should I be fixing my own IV machine when it beeps? Should I even know half this stuff? But more so, should I be so damn comfortable around it.
Most people when they go into hospital it is a big deal. Its something out of the ordinary, especially at my age. Here I am welcomed back onto the ward like an old friend. Staff from the far end hearing of my return coming for a gossip and catch up. On call doctors already knowing my case and asking how I am on there way to treat other patients.
Perhaps its a good thing, a protective thing. Coming here is like visiting friends sometimes. Maybe I need that protection. Because if I was to have that fear that the girl opposite has, I think I would go mad in here. Her face when they said they needed her to lift her top a little so they could conect her to the machines. But being stripped of dignity in this place, although still feels awkward, just seems normal now. To use the toilet in front of a nurse, to have someone help wash you, to have your pressure areas (your bum) checked regularly, just seems kinda normal. Well not normal, but something that has to be done whist in here. Needs must and all that.