Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Long way down

urgh I think I am coming down with something.
I slept in till 12 today and by 7 I was falling asleep on the sofa. IIt not like I have done anything today. I had dinner, showered and sat down trying to start my networking assignment. I kept getting distracted though and so didnt get very much done. I will attempt to do more tomorrow.

Feeling fairly low tonight to be honest. Lots of urges to cut my arms. Of course, I wont allow myself to cut my arms, cant risk more scars, there are already too many on my arms and I hate the way people look at them. Especially doctors when I get my blood pressure done or the phlebotomist when they draw blood. Someone male nurse asked me what the scars where off last time I was in ICU. I just looked at him an said Self Harm. He kinda gave me an odd look and went ok and walked off. It was actully fairly amusing to see his reaction.

Im resisting urges to go look at pictures of self harm. When im in this type of mood I often find myself looking at pictures, comparing my level of damage to what others do. I would say I cut my legs fairly deep to most people, but my arms are pretty clean. I dont know what it is, but slit wrists just look so pretty.

I dont know if its the risk to life, the blood, the wound what, I dont know they just look good to me. ha with a mind set like this I really shouldnt be coming of the psych meds. But I dont get a choice in that do I. Of course my Blood pressure is more important. Part of me is saying good to coming off them, to see how low I can get again, see if I have the courage this time to end it all properly. To gain some new decent scars as mine are all fading. But I also know that it would mess up uni again. Not to mention I dont think my family would stand by me to fall apart again.

Ive done the whole psych ward thing, I dont need to do it again. Oh well. See the doc a week on Friday, see what she says.

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