Friday, October 30, 2009
I keep trying to work on this stupid assignment for networking. Not only is it one of my worst areas of computers, but it is taking me twice as long as it should due to having to research everything as I missed the lectures with being stuck in hospital. I dont understand half the concepts and its just becoming annoying. That and the fact that right now I have the concentration of a fish. Im hoping its the steroids that are making me like this. I get to stop them completely on Sunday. So we will see how i feel then and of course if my blood pressure comes down.
Mum went shopping on her way home from work today so I sorted my own dinner. I was in the living room when she came in and I had just finished my yoghurt I was having for desert. I started telling her that we forgot to put the baby tortoise to bed last night as he had dug down in the soil and we forgot to undig him and put him in the bed.
She then proceeded to lecture me on how little I have to do and I still cant manage to do the one thing I was suppossed to do right. That I never do anything for the torts (felt like saying yeah, Ive just been showering the baby twice a day and doing his eye drops, that I have never once seen you do!) Which then lead on to the usual lecture about how lazy I am and how little I do, (all this was while she was loudly unstacking the dishwasher and slamming pots and pans around) How little I did yesterday. I would have washed up, but she had already said she wanted to stack the dishwasher. And during the day I was working on my assignment. Just grrr.
I have really low self esteem as it is, but when mum starts putting me down, what little esteem is there just vanishes. I find myself fighting to hold in my tears. I could never cry in front of her, that would be a sign of weakness, it would let her know that she has won! the last time I lost control and cried in front of her was when we were on holiday and she was being awful to me and bethany. I felt so sorry for Bethany as she had never experienced anything like it before. And I started crying and couldnt stop. It went on for a good few hours, even when i got called out to eat tea. To which she told me I should be ashamed crying in front of Bethany. Gee thanks mum.
This song kinda sums up a lot of how I feel right now.
In more positive news, I went two whole days without using my nebuliser. I had to use it this afternoon after coughing my guts up and I should probably use it again now, but dont want to wake people up. But two days is good. Something must be improving. Even if I still cant breathe. Felt breathless all day today for no real reason. Dont feel blocked up, but just moving around making me feel like im lacking oxygen. Not a nice feeling. And yes I have tried walking slower but it far to hard. I cant physically make myself walk slower.