Before Christmas, I felt like I was losing myself. I did what I always swore that I wouldnt, I lost myself, lost my passions, my loves, my determination. I became my problems, my illness, lost in a world of admissions, tests and disappointment. I could no longer cope, things seemed so bleak and my own company became unbearable.
Now, I have had a break from everything. No tests, no clinics, no admissions and no surgeries. I have had my meds adjusted and I have had a few breaks from everyday life. Ive spent time with those I care about, those I love, I have done things that I have been putting off for months and achieved those smalls goals that slowly give me hope back.
And now? I am starting to feel like me again. The old sense of pride and hope kicking in, planing further ahead than just a few hours. It feels like the fog is once again begining to lift. Dont get me wrong, I know that I have a long way to go and I know that I cant stay away from hospital indefintley. But thats not the point, I am starting to feel like a person again, a person with a purpose, with a goal, with hobbies and interests. A person who believes that there are tomorrows to be had.
I have had the best birthday that I have had in years. I went out for a meal with the parents, visited a friend in London, went on the Harry Potter studio tour and saw Wicked in the theatre. I had deep conversations and realised things for myself.
I attended a medical conference, that came with bad news, yet also spoke to some people, that give me hope. Refound my purpose towards my future.
It was all completely exhausting and I had to pace myself. Breaks to allow my lungs to rest after walking for a certain amount of time, sleeping and sitting still on days following active days to allow my muscles to rest. Good company and good food.
And now I am home. I have a new determination, I dont know how long it will last, but right now, all I can say, is exciting things are happening for me. Maybe small and silly things, but each step forward is an achievement. And it feels good to feel something other than sad.
Photos to follow at some point, but tonight, I am hopeful and thankful. I may have some crappy circumstances, but I am so so lucky to be where I am, how I am, with those I love around me.
You dont realise how low you have been feeling, until your not so low.