Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I seem to be having a philosophical week. forgive my ramblings  (And mis spellings, I usually write before nebs, not after, unlike tonight and so my hands are shaking more than the average woman in an xrated movie)

I wote yesterday about the urge I get, to be useful in some way. Well, the other thing I often crave is love. Yes, I have an abundance of love from family and such, but I am talking more the soppy, butterflies in stomach, just want to hug all the time type of love.

I do crave that so much and in a way, I crave it in the sense that when things do get tough, I want someone there who I can turn to, someone to be scared with me, who will hold me, curl up on my bed with me and tell me everything will be alright. Someone, who can rub my shoulders when I have had a rough night and make me feel good about myself whilst coughing my guts up.

But as I think more about this, I know that this is a dream. Sleeping Beauty had to be asleep for her prince to come. Cinderella had to go the dance and so on. You need to be able to put yourself out there. A knight isnt going to suddenly ride his white horse through the middle of your living room and find himself in a deep love at first sight.

But right now, I cant put myself out there. It would be easy in a way to hide behind the reasons why. To say, well I cant talk well and I cant hear well so there is no point. Or to say, I cant get breathe enough to do it. But that isnt the full reason. Its the easy reason.

I think, more to the truth, is that I cant put myself out there, for many reasons, but mainly, I think if I want to be loved so much, then I first have to love myself.

I think, through this whole ordeal, being held against my will, the stabbing, the transplant and all it entails and after that the whole breathing saga, the thing that is hardest to deal with and has the biggest inpact, is the hatred and guilt that I feel towards myself. I cant help but feel like such a big part of me was taken away from me. I lost who I was. I was the loud, confident, successful one. The one with a big heart, the one with friends and boy friends. The kinda person that would get up and dance on a table, without even a drop of alcohol. The kinda person who went on a 2 hour hike at 4am to Tesco to buy hot dogs as I had a craving. The person who was never home. The person with a big heart who laughed a lot.

Right now, and for a long time, I dont love myself. I dont like my life and I dont like where things are headed. I hate never having energy, I hate the looks I get in public.

I know I talk a lot about giving up about how the future is bleak. But I put myself through insane procedures, painful ones that give more hindrence than help, ones that leave me in hospital for months at a time. But, deep down, I do this because I want a chance. I want a chance to take my life back. To be me once again. I know that I can never get back to the person I was and I am ok with that, she was self centred 16 year old anyway. But, I want a chance to see what I can be. To pit myself against the world and see who I truly am. To see if I am capable of becoming a person that I can once again love.

And with love becomes happiness. I want to be happy. Happy and breathing and useful. So yes, I do pin a lot of surgry. But the way I see it, I have a lot to lose. Because there is so much that I want to do and see and witness. But I cant do it like this. And I cant do it alone. And right now, my bitterness and my lack of love, has left me alone. It is rare I talk to anyone outside this house. I am 26 and in an average week I talk to 2 people. But the longer this goes on, the more hollow I become, the deep and darker the hole the inside me grows. And I can barley even accept myself, nor look in the mirror whilst the whole is still there.

I hate that the hole was put there, but I also hate that over the years, I have allowed it to grow and consume me.

So for now, I shall cruise a long and hope that I am able to stay afloat. And that the next surgery is the one that works. The one that gives me my life back, instead of adding more problems.

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