Monday, April 15, 2013


No matter where I am in life, what I am doing, my mind strolls back to the same thought.
I have talked about it many times and this is going to be yet another entry about the same thing. Mainly because it has been on my mind more than usual this week.

I crave my life to have a purpose. To help someone or some cause. Its hard to explain, I guess, I just want to be useful in some way. There is little that I can do right now and yet my mind still gets hung up on wanting to be something.

I guess a big part of it, is that I expected to be somewhere, be someone by this point in my life. But to what extent would this help. For example, if I worked as a shop person, would this satisfy my craving? I doubt it, so how far do I have to push it for myself to consider life to be useful. What if I worked in a nursery? A decorator? An artitst?

Where does the desire come from? Was I meeting it when I was nursing?

Or is it a new thing? A desire to leave something behind in this world? A legacy so to speak. Or is it deeper than that. Is it linked to a desire to not be forgotten? To leave something in this life that impacts others? Or is it simpler than that? Is it just that I know I am blessed to have a decent brain that can work when it is pushed? Is it just that I know that I am wasting my life doing nothing with it?

I do believe that everything happens for a reasons, but that leads me to think why. After everything that has happened in my life, what i am meant to learn, to achieve from it?

All questions.
Ones that in truth I can not answer right now.
For now, all I can do is to go with the flow.
Love those who are close to me.
Keep trying to mend broken bridges.
Hope for the future.
And wait.

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