Saturday, February 16, 2013

Change is in the air.

I have had 3 amazing months.
Months filled with everything I could have wanted and more.
Love, so much love.
Old friends, new friends.
Holidays abroad and holidays in the UK.
And most of all, very few hospital stays.

But, I can feel it in my gut, things are about to change.
I've lost my stamina.
In the past, I have picked up pretty well after surgery.
I know the rules, I know to keep moving, I know to breathe to deep.
But this time is different.
This time recovery has been slow.
I expected it to be slow to be honest, its one of the biggest ops I have had.
But its not that.
Its not even the complications.

On top of the usual surgical recovery, I have developed a new condition.
costochondritis. Basically inflammation of the cartilage in my rib cage.
It makes sense, the trouble is, nobody know if it will be permant or temporary.
The main issue is pain, getting comfortable at night is a nightmare.
But it causes other symptoms. Odd symptoms you wouldnt expect.
It makes one of my boobs sore, it sticks out and it aches and pulls.
But its not just that.

As I say, I am not being unappreciative. I have loved the last 3 months.
But change is in the air.

After spending a night in A&E unable to breathe, I was started on anitbiotics.
My chest is a mess. My doctor says its to be expected, spending so much time under anesthtic.
I have been started on steroids and a second course of antibiotics
But that is just the start.
As soon as a bed comes available, I am being admitted for a course of IVs
Hopefully it will help.

But the doctor did admit that I am now colonised psuedomonas and possibly staph.
Basically means, they will always live in my lungs now.
And flair up whenever they decide to.

But again its not that.
My bladder is playing up.
It took 3 courses of antibiotics to clear the infection
and I'm still not sure if it gone.
I cough a lot and at the minute I leak easy.
Not good when your lying in bed hooked up to machines.

The coughing has other side effects.
prolapses and as I mentioned bladder issues.
But I cant bear the thought of getting them checked over.
The thought of another clinic.
Another doctor.
I cant bear the thought of having them confirm what I already know.
Or to tell me of more problems.
I feel I am falling apart.

But once again, its not even that.
I keep mentioning 3 months.
I do look back and smile.
But there is more to 3 months.
My last trach lasted 3 months before the scar tissue built up.
And I have feeling this one is going to be the same.
I am able to talk more without covering the hole.
This means it my airway is blocking below the tube again.

Time is getting to be a problem again.
I have another tube waiting somewhere in the hospital for me.
That will give me another 3 months.
That should take me to the next surgery.
But what if it dosnt work.
What if the cartilage dosnt grow.
what if dies before I even get to my next appointment.

I have never been a whatif type of person.
Yet now I feel myself getting scared.
Scared of what I dont know.
Perhaps what is next to go wrong.
Perhaps, I am just tired.
Tired of everything.
Tired of things going wrong.
Just tired.

Its no one thing, it a hundred small things all rolled into one.
And there is nothing I can do to stop any single one of them.
Every answer just out of reach.
Every solution short of one step.

I have come so far
and I will ever be thankful for everyone who has gotten me to this point.
Be it friends, family, doctors, nurses, donors.
But the truth is, right now, the future grows less clear.
I can see myself getting weaker.
the last few weeks are taking their toll.
Maybe sleep will help.
But I am changing.
Life is changing.
change is in the air.
maybe good change
maybe bad change
But any change, is always accompanied with drawbacks and oppertunites.

Perhaps sleep will numb my mind to stillness tonight.
Perhaps I shall sleep more than a few unbroken hours.

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