hiden

I keep coming here to write, but truth be told, I havnt felt much like writing.
Im not sure of the reason, tiredness, nothing to write, or just lack of mood.

This Christmas, was one of the hardest I have had in such a long time. Mum has been started on new hormone meds in relation to the whole cancer thing. And whilst i understand why she is on them, I do wish that she werent. They turn her into a moody teenager. However, moody teenager is one thing to deal with, the moods form an adult that you cant shout at, nor give them a slap around the head, however is a totally different thing.

It takes me back to being a teenager, when she went through menopause  Horrible horrible time. Now, its like you cant do anything right, no matter what you do. And if you do wrong, she will make sure that you know. Let me give you an example of a 30 minute window on Christmas day.

She had gone for a shower and Dad and I decided to move the table to the extension and set it nice  with the chairs decorated and such. It looked lovely, and I waited for her to come down before going to get ready myself as I wanted to see how pleased she would look seeing the extension come to life so to speak. She spent the next 10 minutes complaining that we shouldnt have moved it as she liked it where it was. I went for my shower, but said to her, I might just jump in a really quick bath as I dont think I have the strength in my arms to hold myself in the right way for a shower right now and my neck is to sore to tip that way. To which she lectured me about how selfish I was and how she wasted her time doing dinner as I would prefer to spend the time in the bathroom.

Dad accidently broke a glass, to which he got told off big time and then we sat down to eat. I would guess it took about 10 minutes to eat the starter. For the entirety of that, she complained and shouted at dad, he had used the wrong plates for the starter and then it transpired that he had also used the wrong lettuce.

At this point, I had to excuses myself from the table. I spent the next 10 minutes in the bathroom trying to stop the flow of tears that kept coming. There is only so much I can handle. I did snap. I ended up doing one of things I have tried so hard not to do, I abused my pain meds. And for the rest of the day, nothing she said hurt any more, because I was rather high.

I dont know, she is making life hard and I am already only just holding on.

I miss my niece as well. I miss her cuddles and as silly as it sounds, as an adult, I feel like I have been ditched. From being here almost every weekend, I havnt seen her in 6 weeks. She is always too busy. I have stuff here that i bought for her to give to her family so she had gifts on Christmas day, but she couldnt even come get them. I am pleased that she has a social life now, dont get me wrong, I am so happy for her. But I just wish it werent at the expense of her family. Simply put I miss her.

Its strange, Christmas had gone from huge dinners with 10 of us around the table, to just the 3 of us in just a couple of years.

But alas, new year and all that, here so things improving. Plus there are so ups, I have nto been in hospital for about 2 months, which is a record from the last 4 years.