Sunday, November 25, 2012

screw it

I spent a good part of today in the most awful mood.
I dont know why, there was no reason for it.
I hate being in moods like that.

As soon as I was alone, I could not hold back the tears. And yet again, I dont know why. Nothing had happened, nothing had changed and yet I was so over whelmed that everything was to much. Even thinking about it now, is enough to start me off again.

It has been a strange week. From getting out of hospital, new routines and things to catch up. To getting bogged down and a persistant coughing. To talking to people, to making contact, and backing out again.

I put my idea of doing home learning a levels to my mum the other day. Her reply, was that there isnt much point as I never finish anything. I have to say that that hurt. I fought hard to stay in uni and it was not my fault that I had to drop out. But I guess her next line had more of a knock on effect. She said that I dont handle stress very well and so doing any of the jobs i hope to have when I am well, are beyond me.

I have changed. I used to be the person who fought to prove people wrong and now, I have a small order of stuff to get finished and all I want to say is, its too stressful and refuse to do any of it.

I got in touch with someone from past last week. Talking to them is like the last 11 years never happened, like things never changed. Conversation is just as easy. And yet I am backing away. A lot of reason to it. Fear of hurt, for them, for me, for others, not that I am saying anything would have gone anywhere, but I guess the compaionship would have good.

Damn I am lonely. I think that plays a big part. I feel so out of everything. Like a total outsider. I feel I dont fit in anywhere these days. I miss having friends. I miss having people that say, screw it, lets meet up, people who it dosnt matter what they are doing, they lsiten anyway. I miss so much and yet crave a lot to. Today, I feel like I have taken a huge step backwards. Like I am in that awfully dark place once again. Today, I feel like giving up. Like giving in to urges, like saying screw it, lets just get through today.

I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Because if the feelings I have today, continue for long, I dont think I could stand and to a point, I worry about how easy it is to do damage at the minute.

So here is to brighter skies tomorrow.

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