Missing

I want to apologise.
Recently, all of my posts have been so negative and always about illness.
I vowed a long time ago that I would never end up like this, but lately my mood has been rather unsettled. I guess there are only so many hits that I can take, till it takes effect on my mind. This is my outlet, the only place I talk. And when my mind plays up, its here I come back to. But it is a rut that I need to get out of and I will get out of it, in time.

I have never really been a soap person. Not an avid follower, but the Australian soap Home and Away is the one I do watch. I wouldnt go out of my way to watch it, my mum likes it and its often on when we are having tea. Not to mention the gorgeous scenery and hot blokes with no tops on. But back on topic.

One of the current story lines revolves around the character Casey. He has undiagnosed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) Well it cant technically be diagnosed yet due to time issues but yeh. Anyway, he is unravelling on screen. The filming is very good, I guess that is part of the issue. Its believable and I relate to it a heck of a lot. That feeling so tormented and lost that you dont know where you are. To feel so numb that you throw things around and dont notice. The ache I feel is hard to describe, its almost like a craving. To want to be able to break down like that, to not care any more. To let go of everything instead of hiding under a mask. I miss self destruction sometimes. I miss lots of things involved with it. Drinking, drugs, self harm, anger. I guess anger is a big one. I have never been able to express anger, not since the stabbing incident  And so it builds up inside me until I snap.

The problem being, how long till I snap? Its like I feel it boiling under my skin. The fear, the pain, the recklessness. Its as if I can feel it trying to get out of the box I keep it locked in.

The problem is, I dont want to be like this. I dont want to be the shut off angry person, I dont want to be the unstable one. But the truth is, underneath, I know I am. And I am terrfifed of people finding out, or the damage I can do.

For a long time, my reason for stopping with the self destructive behaviour was due to the danger of being refused transplant if the option ever came up on account of my recklessness. For a long time, I could not hide it as I was undergoing so many skin grafts in the area that I used for harming.  I know that I have a number of months before I need another graft and that plays on my mind too. There are a lot of things that are adding up at the minute. And whilst, I am no danger, I cant say that for the future.

So, I am going to try and force myself into more projects. I need more focus. I need something other than hospitals. I dont know what yet and I dont know how, but there has to be something right? I cant go back down that road, I cant head into destruction again. I am to tired to fight it and to tired to fight my way back out of it. I know destruction now, would not be a good choice.