Here we go again

You win some,
You lose some.

Some good news,
Some bad news.

And yet it is neither that confuses me the most.

This year, I have experience love in its most true form.
That of a young human.
I feel the love she feels for me.
And I feel nothing but love for her.

The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

And yet, part of me cant help but wonder why I have not had this feeling before.
Surly I should have with the likes of my mum.

And then a day like today.
When I feel at my weakest.
And yet mum makes it clear that I can do nothing right.
That what I count as achievements, are nothing but matters to be frowned upon.

And with a few harsh words and the slam of the door,
I feel myself hit the bottom.
Both methphorically and physically.

I feel the things that I try so hard to ignore.
That yes I love parts of life.
And yes, there are so many things that I want to do.
And yet the thing I want more than anything is, is to not have to live this life.

How can it be through all of that, the my mind still does not want to go on.
How can I so easily get back to this stage after so long of denying it.

Half formed plans spring to mind.
perfect time and places slip into place.
My ultimate desire.

I can scream and yet nobody hears.
Again physically and metophorically.
Nobody notices these days.
But then, I only really have 2 adults in my life.
One works a lot and the other has made it perfectly clear that I do nothing but annoy her.
Things are raw and yet crystal clear.