Sunday, May 06, 2012

Fear

I havnt posted much recently. I guess I have been getting on with life.
Not to mention trying not to complain as much. I have things pretty good, I know I do and believe me I am thankful for that.

But then, there are times, when I know how lucky I am, but I also know something isnt right. But I worry about seeking help, incase I am wrong, that things are fine and I am over reacting. I know I have written about this feeling before, but at time like now, the feeling gets so overwhelming. I know its ridclous and that doctors trust me, but learning to trust myself is a whole differnt level.

Right now, I am on antibiotics again, as I have 2 sets of infection in my trachea/lungs. Staphylococcus aureus and Streptococcus. But right now, breathing is tough. It feels like I have something stuck in my throat, other than the obvious metal tube through which I am breathing. This means, my breathing is hard, restricted and noiesy. But here is where it confuses me, I can kinda breathe around it, as so to keep the noise down, but sometimes, I cant and thats when it gets scary.

The video, is more for my record, but you get the idea. Its just regular breathing.
video

So, I have clinic on wednesday. And one part of me says please let it be nothing as I dont want any anything else to go wrong, while the other part of me says, I hope I am not exagerating and that there is a genuine problem. While the other part of me that comes out when things get scary, says, please admit whilst I am down there and sort this out to stop it being scary.

I think in conclusion, that we can see that i get scared easy. Im scared of my own body and that sucks. But deep down, I dont want to show my fear, and so I only want to mention genuine problems.

So this is me, addmitting, that the world can be a scary place and that my mind is a bit of a mess at the minute, but I have not given up.

2 comments:

  1. I hope so much that you get better! You really do deserve a break as you say, you finally ought to get one! Oh, I wish I knew what would help, but I don't know what to do about lung infections.....All I can say is that I hope you get lots of rest and medical care! And good healthy food and vitamins, and your antibiotics too.

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  2. I think you have a great attitude and all the fear and other things are perfectly normal.

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