Saturday, April 07, 2012

It goes on

Do you ever do that thing, where you kinda compose letters of blogs in your head, I guess its kinda like talking to yourself. They always turn out so well worded in your head and never so once written out. I think this post is going to be one of those. I have been composing it for a few days and yet I cant recal what I wanted to write.

The other night, was kinda monumental for me. To be 25 and going on my first date. I am also very proud of myself for doing it. a first date is a scary prospect for anyone, let alone to do it with any medical crap still going on, I think was a big step. It kinda showed me that life can go on pretty normal, even when I dont feel normal.

Alas, it wasnt to be and no more will come of that date. I was a little sad about it at first, but I guess it would be silly to even think of things being perfect from the start.

I think, that in my head, I want the perfect romance. I want the fairytale knight in shinning armour, the prince the whip me off my feet and to fall head over heels for someone who feels the same for me. I want the disney ending. But Cinderella rushed home so her dress didnt disappear, she wasnt worried about her scarf slipping from her neck. Belle lived with the beast, with no worry of how to deal with coughing up blood during dinner, i guess if she did there might have been a little hoover person to come clean up. Sleeping beauty awaited a kiss from her prince, she wasnt thinking about not having breath flowing through her mouth when she kissed him back.

I guess what I am saying, is that right now, I dont feel much like a princess so how could I expect a prince to come find me. If i want a fairytale relationship, my mind can not be in turmoil with my body. And although i have come a long way to accepting my current circumstance, I still have a way to go.

But that is not to say I have any regrets. Life is still going pretty amazingly. Being able to breathe is so amazing. I dont fall asleep if I sit still for more than a few minutes. I can do simple things again, like blow drying my hair and changing my bed. And whilst I still dont want this to be all I have, It is a firm foundation to build on.

I am starting to be more independant. Doing more to help around the house, being more active and actully considering finding my own place. What is more, I have the support of my parents in this and that means a huge amount. I am doing things right, sensibly. Not my usual jump in with both feet and get stuck.

Things are going in the right direction and I couldnt be happier right now. Breathing is so underrated.

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