Saturday, January 28, 2012

Growing and Love

Its strange how people grow and change.
Its strange the things you grow to regret and the things you dont.
I went through a big phase of regretting losing my school friends.
At the time, I was angry about it, but I do understand these days.
At 17, my issues, where not comparable with them.
Whilst I dealt with learning to walk, surgery, hospitals and meds, they were dealing with college deadlines, assigments and love. Whilst I worried about things such as rejection, they worried about what to wear and where to go partying.
I have come to piece with that and although I do miss some of them and often find myself wondering what if, i am at peace with it.

Today was one of those days were I was face with a huge pull back to my past.
I stopped for bread on the way home from chemo with Mum and there working in the shop, was a boy from my past. not just anyboy, a boy who holds a place in my memory.

I would say that he was my first and only real teen crush.
Of course, I was one of the dorky type girls that didnt really give much care to apprence in school and so, he was way out of my league. In fact I barley spoke to him for the first year or so.
I used to host a lot of parties through school and he did come to a few of them. Towards the end of school, at one such party, I was alone with him for a while and he kissed me.
I was shocked. I didnt want things to turn sour, nor did I want to undergo the cruelty of gossip and so I never breathed a word of it to anyone, nor did he.
And that is where is things lay for a long time.

I started going out with a boy from a differnt school, who turned out to be his cousin.
On the last day of school/exams, we all went drinking in town. Somehow, I ended up in a quiet part of the club with him. He bought me a drink, we had a short hug and then we both walked in opposite directions.

He was still on my mind though.
So much so, that my most vivid memory from ICU, involves him.
I was in the side room, my nurse outside my door and I was hallucinating.
I was staring at the tiles on the roof and one of them lifted up, he was up there, looking down and laughing.
He was hiding on purpose and I was laughing at him.
As I was laughing, I sent the alarms off on the vent that I was on.
The nurse asked me what was going on and I told her about him being up there.
She looked at me, leaned on the bed and asked who he was.
That was the first time I remember realising that I was hallucinating.
My mind kinda clicking in two. I could rememeber seeing him, so clear, and so there.
And yet, this nurse didnt know him, she didnt know him, because I was in hosptial miles away from home and not in school.
How could two things so far apart exist together.
It was a long night that night. Trying to work out what was real and what wasnt.
But he stayed on my mind.

I have bumped into him a few times. The first few times he said hello and asked how I was. rumors of my close call had spread and a lot of people where curious, so I always put it down to that.

But when I saw him today. All the memories comes flooding back.
I recognised him instantly. Those piercing blue eyes. He hasnt changed.
He saw me, but I dont know if he recognised me.
I turned round and we caught each others eyes, but I quickly turned back.
I do wonder if he recognised me.
But thats more of what ifs. And he is still way out of my league.
Its just strange how you can suddenly be filled with everything feeling from the first time I saw him.

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