Thursday, January 19, 2012

Glory Playing

I cant seem to get the words straight in my head that I want to speak.
What I posted yesterday was correct, but there is so much more.
On one hand, I am so grateful to be here and to have had the opertunties that I have had.
But on the other hand, I am so annoyed, angry and pissed off.
I think its normal to have both lots of feelings, but right now the anger is paramount.
I cant help but feel that things dont have to go this way. That they could and should be different.

I have always had this notion that doctors are meant to fix and cure.
But it feels right now, like they want to fix the easy and gain the glory while the harder to fix are left hanging, maybe given a glimmer of hope every now and again.
But the complex patients are mounting and the staff dealing with them are also getting pissed off.
Some of the best nurses are leaving the ward as they cant deal with the way things are.

When I began this whole look into tracheal surgery, I was promised a cure.
It was a rare surgery, only a handful done every year.
Very complex and very specialist.
I didnt mind that.

But now, there is evedince that it is not working.
But the surgeons refuse to even look at the patients.
Apart from the anesthtic room, I have not spoken to my surgeon in at least a year.
What is more, there is no more of this, handful of procedures a year done.
Last Tuesday, not one, but three reconstructions where performed in the one day.
That would be huge enough, but that was as well as all the other ENT cases.
If I recall, it was 25 theatre cases in one day to one ward, including 3 new trach patients.
How many of these know how things stand?
Are they being told of the new developments that are occuring?
Or do the doctors not even see it as they dont see patients?

I used to have a lot of faith in my surgeon. But right now, if I cornered him and asked him to recite to me any of my surgical history under him, I dont think he would have a clue. I dont think he could tell me what number of radicals I am on, or how often I see him.

To see a new patient come onto the ward, in pain and scared out of their mind.
First ever trach in, no idea whats to come.
While 3 of you sit in the corner of the ward debating how you wish you had never started down this path.
The next morning, the scared patient writes to you and asks how come your in after you have had this miricle procedure. How do you answer that? The surgery is tough, the recovery is grueling. It is a huge adjustment. At that stage, to take somebodies hope away would be cruel. But is it right to lie?

I dont know what the future holds for me, but the longer I try to see it, the less I am able to see this surgeon as being the best bet.

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