Saturday, December 31, 2011

Le mother

I had a kinda mini argument with Mum today, its odd, but kinda shows me how differnt our views our and perhaps why we irk each other often.

I cant recal how we got onto the subject, but we were talking about the end of the year. I said its been a good year, to which she looked at me and, oh thanks! I said what? She said, I got Cancer this year. To which I replied, you survived cancer this year. To which she said, you dont know that yet, not till I get my next scan. To which I replied, well you look pretty alive to me and unless you drop dead within the next 24 hours, then you survived cancer this year.

I then continued with, there has been no unexpected or untimely deaths, I have been to theater 14 times with no real issues and gernally things are going ok. To which she kinda grunted and said, you hardly had life threatening surgery. To which I replied, and its hardly minor surgery. For a while, I have no viable airway, my airway is open to the world and there are a lot of risks to it. To which she kinda made one of those whatever faces and walked away.

It just makes me think, how differnt our thinking is these days. I do wonder where I get my thinking from if the person I spend most time with is so differnt. Or does it then become a case of, well I dont want to turn out like that so I will try hard to be the opposite.

It also make me think about how I put things to my mum. I do downplay things such as surgery, always sugar coat and higlight benefits whilst skipping risks. Is it wise. Im not sure. On one account, its almost as if she belittles some of my issues as pettite almost, perhaps that is my fault. But if she knew more, if things were said straight, what would happen then? I think she would stress more, get more depressed and so on.

But then, my head goes back to the summer, when I thought she was begining to understand. A few times, it seemed like whilst she was ill, she sort of knew some of the issues I struggle with, and when I mentioned that I was still holding on to hope that I wouldnt be ill forever and therefore wouldnt need to live close by forever for her to look after me, she teared up, as if thinking dream on.

Its not that I want sympathy or pity or even think my life is tough, its just that I never seem to know where I stand with her or how she views me. One day, she is telling me what I cant do and that I need to look after myself more, the next day, that I am not doing enough and should be doing other things  at my age.

I know I have always had difficulty with my sense of self, I have no idea who I am, which is what has lead to some of my issues in the mental health setting. I cant help but think, that perhaps mum has the same issue, maybe thats why I feel the way I do.

I dont know, I guess I am rambeling. And whilst I do think I am a lot differnt from my mum, I also see a lot of the parts I hate most about myself in her. Espcially the competitvness, even in things that shouldnt be a competition. I know she spends a lot of time compering her ills with my ills and on a discussion with Dad last month in regards in to travel insurance, she near took his head off for suggesting that I am sicker than her. I am just not sure, at this point, how I can persuade her to look at herself as not being sick. She has had the surgery, she has done chemo and radio and the only thing now is a anti cancer drug once every 3 weeks. She should be improving, moving on and getting her life back. They would expect by now, for the average person to be back at work, back at life and moving out of the ill catergory. Yet she seems to be clinging to it. She has a tablet she has to take once a week. You take it and for the hour afterwards, you cant lie down and you cant eat or drink. To my mind, it wouldnt be a problem, you would take it, then go shower and dress and such and by that point, carry on with normal routine. But to her, its this huge deal. She tells everyone how hard it is and how much it gets in the way. Really, if your going to complain at something like that, then its nothing.

I'm just bitching and rambeling at this point with no real purpose. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and somehow know here I stand and who I am. Just finding things hard with her at the moment I guess. I frequently seem to find my Dad and I rolling ours eyes behind her back. But i guess she is just as hard on him and that hurts too.

At this point, I want to run away. I want to be well enough, to go escape, to run far far away start fresh and build my own life and my own self and know exactly where I stand in the world.
One day.
Next year.
This year, I am going to get well.
Next year, Im going to rebuild my life.

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