clinic

Thoracic clinic, everything seems to be going ok and there is little input we can give. Lets lessen your clinic times and you know how to get in touch if you get stuck.

Liver Clinic, Liver, as usual is all doing great. You look and sound rough, but we havnt seen you in so long so perhaps that is your normal.

All good news right.
But my body is still complaining.
Its still not keeping up with what I want it to.

Mum was discharged last night. But being active and driving with visiting and making sure she had what she needed, left me exhausted. I drove to clinic today, biting my lip to keep tears at bay. The muscles in my arms were shouting at me, it was agony to keep them by the steering wheel.

I tried mentioning my stomach issues in clinic, but things were dismissed as under another persons care. We spoke about where I was up to now. About how I had my whole life to go after a rough few years. Then we spoke about lung stuff. About my anti biotic usage and how I seem to be colonized to certain infection. There is one in partic, that the chances are I will never get rid. That is the reason why I need antibiotics so much. We also talked about my lung function. She looked sad.

I have known her since my first clinic after transplant. She has helped a lot in the past. Often, my notes would be with other specialists and so not available for clinic. She knew my history and so used to take my case. She has been good. Sorted things when my bloods started going odd a few years back. Spoke to the psych ward and made sure I got into clinic without sitting in the waiting room when I messed up psych wise. I dont know, she knows me well, I think she can tell when I am struggling.

But the conversation and the realizations of it, left me reeling. I walked back to car, thumped my fists several times on the steering wheel, let out a scream, then put my head on the steering wheel and sobbed for several minutes.

I can live if there is hope, but right now, hope is minimal.

And on the flip side?
Friday I have a transplant speakers session and if I am honest, I am nervous as hell about it. I have never actually met anyone who has had a transplant before, which in its self is odd. Nervous, but hopefully, it will be of benefit. Something good has to come of this.