last night in my own bed

so, I should be packed and in bed and all ready.
Has it happened?


Nah.

Ended up messing about with dads printer, updating his computer, which went drastically wrong and disabled loads of programmes so I had to wind it down and update a few bits and leave the rest. As a result, at 11:45, I sorted a pile out of pjs to take with me and that is it ha. My wash bag is sorted, though, I need to get up early in the morning to shower and defuzze lol.

It really is hard work reemebering back to last summer. What things do I need, What did I cover my trach in, what dressings ended up working for me? I really have no idea on half of it, I seem to have wiped my memory clean from then.

The hospital now dont want me in till 7:30 on Tuesday morning as they know my bloods are clear as they have jsut been checked in Liver clinic. Its good because I get to spend Monday evening in London with mum and also, less time before surgery in the hospital for them to notice my cough. But, I do hate getting up so early to get in.

I need this done though, I cant wait any longer. If it hadnt of been this Tuesday, I think by the weekend, I would have had to give in and go to a local hospital. Had a bit of a scary incident today. Started coughing and wheezing very loudly. Literally couldnt stop coughing and gasping in oxygen in between. This lasted for about 15 mins non stop and I had to sit on the floor as I was too dizzy to stand. I eventually coughed enough to clear whatever was blocking my throat/chest, but tons and tons came out of my chest all at once. It was so exhausting and I really did think I was about to pass out at one point.

So, my nerves are still pretty messy.  I keep getting images of them with my throat wide open, not to mention the flashbacks associated with PTSD. But I have my stragies in place. And more so I know that I am in the best possible hands. I am so so grateful to be given this opportunity, that the surgeons have not given up on me. I really do hope it works as I want to be able to do fun things again. To go out and meet people, to jump a bus into town, for wander, to have a full and long conversation without resorting to whispering.

So yeah, this is my last post, till I get out the other side again.
Lifes to short to wait around doing nothing. Action feels good.
For everyone who is waiting on lists of treatment or getting better in general, I hope you make progress soon. You all mean a lot to me, even if I have never spoken to you. Keep fighting, second chances happen as do thirds and fourths. Dont let anyone tell you no or give up on you. Fight, till you get where you want to.
Take care

Love
Kim