oh..

I dont think that I posted last week that I had gone back to full red YAY. Well kinda yay. It was the closest I am able to maintain at the moment to a permeant colour due to my hair being crappy and wanting to fall out. And I love having a bright colour, however, I always liked my brightness as it looked cool and was different from most. Generally, around here, I only used to see maybe 1 person each time I was out with an unatural colour. Although now, every other person  see is red. grr stupid pop stars making it popular. I dont like looking like I am following the 'trend' *pouts*

In other news, they managed to fit me in for a hearing appointment today and so I got my HA adjusted (YAY) as I can once again hear what is going on. There is about a 5db more loss than I had in the low frequencies and a 10db more loss in the higher frequencies blah.

Things this week have not been too bad, but I think the reason for that is that my niece is still here. I am starting to notice a lot, how much touch helps me. At home, I can literally go weeks without any human to human touch and whilst it never used to bother me, I seem to be craving it all the time. While my niece is here,  its good as she is a very huggy person. 

Last night we had some munchies and both got in my bed to watch a film. She snuggled upto me and it was lovely. I let her stay in bed as well, though kicked her out when she woke up too early hehe. But at times when for example mum has been shouting at me, she just kinda instantly clings to me or leans on my shoulder, which has helped no end.

The other thing that is helping is with her being here, mum cant whine as much as she wants. I know that sounds nasty and I should give her a break and everything. I guess, its just realizing how differnt we are and how much we deal with things in different ways.

My automatic response is to tell those that need to know what they need to know. I also, tend to just give basic details and hide things like risks. I want people to know me for me. If I told someone I was sick or whatevers and suddenly they started being nicer to me or seeing me more often, then that would annoy me. Either see me for who I am or do one, I dont want the sympathy vote.And I told make a huge thing out of the risks, as I dont see the point in other people worrying about the what ifs, its just pointless to, why worry about something that might never have happen.

Mum is the complete opposite. She seems to want everyone to know what is going. She wants them to know about every hardship, every pain, every risk. She wants people she hardly speaks to to know what is happening. She wants charity and people to put themselves out. And she wants to dwell on the bad, the risks, the upset.

It annoyed me today, when she took me to audiology. My appointment, was mostly about her in the end as she told my audiologist everything that is going on with her treatment. But I could live with that, just. But then we stopped at a shop on the way home. One of the people working in the shop lives around the corner from us, however we never speak to her outside the shop that we visit maybe once every 2 or so months. Well she told her all about it.

I did give her a big lecture yesterday though. She was going on about the chemo and is it worth it and how so many people go once and say never again and how many people die and so on and so on. I said stop looking at all the worst case scenarios. Sure that could happen and you need to be aware of it. But for every horror story you are reading/remembering there are also 100 good ones. Gave her loads of examples, to which she just sat there, staring at the TV and then changed the subject.

I can deal with her illness and I can dope with the side effects. But what is going to annoy the heck out of me, s her attitude towards it. I have often got a little annoyed at some people when I have been in hospital. For example, those who are in the 70's doing the woe is me, why am I sick now, I have never been to a doctor and smoked 80 cigs a day since I was 8. And to a point, I could sympathise, I could say its not fair. But then another part of my jumps in with the whole, get on with it, you have had 70 odd good years, keep the happy memories from that close by. 

I think this is the edge of the bitterness. I want to scream at people, I want to stamp my foot and scream its not fair, I was just beginning to live at 16 and since it feels like my life has been over.

I know that it would be pointless and I know its evil of me to think that way. But sometimes I cant help myself. I wish I could be the person I want to be. The one who deals with things so well. The one who is inspirational. The kinda who is always giving and never moaning. But I cant. Perhaps I never dealt with things right at the beginning, but everything just sweeps over me and sometimes its just to much to hide.