Yesterday, I felt sad, I felt like I was in a zombie state, trying to get my mind to process this new batch of information. Distracting myself, to make sure my emotions didnt over flow into every day life. Late into the night, I knew that I had to keep going, I cant just give up, its not fiar on those around or those who have fought for me. Giving up would be the easy option. But thinking about my youngest niece, I couldnt do it to her.
But today, the realzation came to me, that the chances are, its not going to be my choice in the end. Well, it will be displayed as my choice, like the trach was. I could say no, but I can only say no so far, once you get to the point where you are just dying for one uncomplicated breath, then the choice is made, and it has to be for the option that is most likely to allow you to breathe fully.
The same is true now, I can say no, my voice is too important, dont touch my vocal cords. But in the end, its going to come down to the same choice, without them cutting them, things are going to get very difficult and not improve.
I have been expierncing a lot of pain the last few days. I would expect some of it, in my throat, but there is more, I have pain right inthe front of my chest, my bones hurt my muscles hurt, my lungs hurt.
The other day, I was talking to a friend about a recorder onthe ipod, that records if you sleep talk, so I set it last night, hoping maybe it would give me a clue to why I am so tired, perhaps I was having great debates in my sleep, or dancing around my (we can but hope) I was more surprised, to hear the amount of noise I actully make when I sleep. I can hear myself gasp, to cry out with a little pathetic cry, to squeak.
Not sure if these have uploaded right (let me know if they havnt please) (oh you may have to actully download them to get them to play :/ which sucks)
http://www.zshare.net/download/85193941201436c6/
http://www.zshare.net/download/85194056c3057120/
Its sad listening to it back, but I think what has shocked me more, is that now I am aware of it, I can hear it during the day too. I know where the pain has come from, from pulling so much on my chest muscles to gasp that breath in.
Something which is a little cooler, is that I got a copy of my last chest xray today. There was something on it that I needed to discuss with my other surgeon, so my surgeon here sent me a copy.
Usually, the right lung (on the left hand side of the image) is slightly longer than the left, but due to the surgery to repair a chunk of mine from the orginal stabbing, mine is shorter. You can also see the grey squiggly bits in the middle, where my previous chest infections have left their mark.
But this is the bit that is observed more often.
That lighter grey line down the middle, is my trachea. Where you can see the 2 upside down U shapes, is where my reconstruction is. You can see under them, it goes very narrow again, thats where the scar tissue keeps building up, but this is mostly clear on this image.
I do like medical stuff.
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