Rocking out

I was so exhausted last night on the train, That I propped myself up on two chairs, headphones in and ipod on full blast. I lost myself in the music and for a while everything felt normal. Do you ever get totally addicted to one song? You cant get enough of it and you have it on repeat all the time. Of course the addiction only ever lasts about 2 weeks and then you dont listen to it again for months. Well, I got totally hooked onto this song.


(everytime, I put the youtube link in, blogger eats the rest of my post, so anyway, the song is Meredith Brooks - I'm a bitch)

Well, I had the volume and the base right up, eyes closed and suddenly I was rocking out on my ipod. Yeh, total movements playing air guitar on my ipod, pretending to scream the lyrics out as loud as I could. The song came to an end and as I opened my eyes to put the song back on and noticed the guy from the table up the train a bit stifling a laugh. oops I kinda hung me head in shame for a minute and when I looked up he was just grinning at me. I didnt get overly embarrassed or avoid all eye contact, I just shrugged and smiled back. That was the end of our silent exchanged, but its moments like these that I feel I live for now. The random encounters, be it an exchange of a smile, some knida words, a note left on someones blog or a card in the post. Little things, things that make a huge huge difference. I think I went through a lot of the last few years not taking any of these things in. I hope to never overlook the little things again. 

So from the above, you can gather that I got the train home last night, meaning that I didnt get kept in. Well that is kinda a close call. I was called into one of my surgeons registeras, whom I have never met again, walked in and he had been reading my notes, checked some dates with me, when I had my open, when I got rid of my trach and my last surgery and he just looked at me and said, and now your back unable to breathe again. I was surprised that he could tell, as I said, although it has felt bad at times, I dont think that I am struggling with it as much as last time. But he said he could hear it a mile off, as did my mum when I asked her to confirm it, she said I sounded awful. Its funny what your body ignores sometimes. 

So on that note he asked my surgeon to come in and suggest the next step. Surgeon said again that he didnt need to look he could hear it. He then said, you know the drill, we need to admit you and get you to theatre in the next couple of days. He glanced at the theatre list and said it seemed pretty booked up, so I would probably need to wait for an emergency slot. I mentioned that I had also been sent for to the other London hospital for an admission for Monday. He checked and said he would rather I was seen at that hospital and that I had a theatre slot already booked there. So after some discussion, he agreed to discharge me on some strong steroids to come in for the admission on Monday. With the usual precautions, should an emergency arise, go to your local hospital and get them in contact with us and we will advise them on the best ways to get you down here. With the added bit in, that I could probably always be tubed (as in a breathing tube put down my throat) and shipped off to London if needs arose.

So yep that is the plan. Keep up with the steroids, cough medicine and regular nebs and back down to London for a 7:30 addmission Monday morning. Fun eh. Not liking the steroid bit, still being cautious after the whole cushings thing last year. But what is more, last year, I was on prednisone, which is a common steroid and it was between once a day and twice a day when things got bad. Now though, they have me on dexamethasone, which is basically 20-25 times stronger and last longer and I am to take it three times a day. gah. I know they say its only short term, but if I carry on at this rate, its like a week of steroids every 3 weeks, which I am sure can not be good. Steroids generally age your body quicker, so a lot of the things I am already at a high rish of like bone trouble, cancer and diabettes, is basically increased even more when I am on steroids. Not to mention they mess with your appetite and fuck with your sleep pattern. But I know, I know, all those are better than not breathing. 

So time to find some train tickets. So far, I have found that I can get a 5am train, which will get me to the hospital at about 8:15, though the admission letter says 7:30 and cost about £85 or I can travel on the Sunday for about £45 and maybe ask the hospital if they can have me a day early or something. I know they said I could last time because of the travel. Descsions descions. 

The surgeon is still standing by the whole this is relatively normal, though it dosnt usually happen in this short a space of time of this frequency. I of course have built up my own views on it. I am worried that too much lazer is going to kill the tissue again and make it weak, I am also concerned that I didnt really that much relief off the last laser. But then I have said from the start, that my gut instinct tells me that it hadnt worked properly.  Of course I am remaining positive about the whole thing, after all I am trach free, but those little niggles still sit in the back of my mind.