Up, Down, Round and Round

I dont know how to start this post.
My head is in a bit of a mix up at the minute.

I keep getting anxious. When I think of the surgery they have planned, my stomach jumps a couple of feet. Its like being on a roller coaster when you go over a dip and you leave your stomach at the top, thats the kind of feeling I keep getting.

I think its the prospect of pain that gets me at the moment. I dont deal well with pain (Yeah good aint it for a self harmer lol) Pain brings back to many memories and then there is the prospect of struggling to breathe that brings back yet more memories. I am always scared of making a show of myself in surgery. I dont want to go into a panic, nor do I want to have a flashback or something whilst in hospital. To a point I can manage it, but if it where to happen when I dont have strict control, such as when coming around from anesthetic, then it can quickly escalate.

I think I need more information on the procedure. The thought of them cutting back into my chest. The last chest scar was super painful and took ages to heal. It was months before I could comfortably wear a bra. I have so many fears in relation to this surgery. What if it goes wrong? I dont want to end up in an ICU down in London miles away from my family. Its my family that get me through all the emergencies.

Its going to be a fairly big op too. At a 4 hour minimum, I know I have done worse, but 4 hours is still pretty heafty, considering my last hernia, was open abdo surgery and was only just over an hour and my trach was less than 2 hour but they fitted in several lines and it was a full open neck surgery.

From what I gather, this will be open neck surgery too (dont I look forward to not being able to turn my head for a couple of weeks) As well as them taking the rib graft. Think I am going to be pretty whiney after this one.

But then my head jumps the other way. What right do I have to fear this? I am the one requesting it, I have pushed for them to try anything they can. I cant help but think of my neighbor that I mentioned a short while back. He was in hospital while I was in London. They removed half of his lung and now he is likely to face a long stretch of chemo. He hasnt requested any of that and has had no choice in not going for it.

What is even more odd is that he was on my ward in my local hospital ha. It is weird to think of him in the same room I stayed in (I had been in pretty much every room, but he was in the room I was in when I arrested) and working with the same nurses that I worked with for so long. For all I know he might even have the same surgeon.

I dont know, part of me really wants this and another part of me fears it greatly. Another part of me wants to take everyone elses pain and treatment off them so they dont have to go through it. You know, I hardly know my neighbor, never spoke to him, but if I could go for that surgery and treatment so he didnt have to I still would. I dont like seeing others suffer and just wish there was more I could do.

Do you see what I mean about my head swinging from one thing to the next and back an forth.

Mentally I am feeling better than I have in a long time. I am not cooking myself up in my room, im sitting outside and I am planning. But I dont know how long it will last. I still find myself lying in bed of a night watching the sun come up before I sleep. Its been a long time since I went to sleep in the dark. Maybe my dad is right, I have read to many fantasy books and have since turned into a vampire ha.

I life revolves around lists these days. Things I need to do, questions I need to ask, messages I need to send. Its almost like my mind dosnt do the day to day stuff anymore as its too busy going around and around all the medical stuff.