Im a 26 year old female, who should hold the job title of professional patient these days. Although that is a pretty low paid job. Really, I am just a regular 20 something person trying to find my way in life, whilst fighting a body that seems intent on trying to kill me.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall
Today, the world feels a little easier.
I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I have finished the anti biotics so maybe my head can have some space once again.
For some reason, I turn into such a cow on them, bitching at everyone.
But today I say goodbye to them and begin to feel more myself.
I didnt sleep last night.
I accidentally saw something that was not nice for me to see.
It was in my mind all night.
Everytime I drifted off, I woke pretty soon after with a jump.
So after dinner, I was sitting on the couch.
I felt more grounded. Mum sitting next to me, dad on the other side of the room.
I felt safe. I curled up and I slept.
Real sleep. Sleep without dreams, sleep without rude awakenings.
I slept on for 3 hours, but I felt so much better afterwards.
I had the energy to do some of my laundry.
I tided, dusted and vacuumed downstairs.
I finished setting my dads new phone up with ringtones and games.
I taught him how to use it.
I finally emptied my bin (Been promising to do this for like the past 3 days)
And I replied to a load of things I have been putting off.
Im feeling more how I used to feel now.
Breathing still isnt great, but I am determined not to let it get me down.
I have prospects for the future.
There may eventually be an end to this, a cure.
It may result in lots of surgery and hospital time.
It may eventually result in a transplant.
But, if it means I can breathe, if it means I can live without the nebulisers, dressings and tubes.
Then, it will all be worth it.
And if it dosnt work out that way, then least I know that I gave it my best shot.
I found a letter the other day.
I wrote it when I first got out of hospital the very first time.
It was about a hallucination I had had while in ICU.
Mother Christmas was there, she was tucking me up in a patchwork quilt on the sofa so I could see the christmas lights on the tree.
She asked me what I wanted most.
And I replied that I wanted to have one last real Christmas with my family.
To tell them all what they mean to me.
Well I got that chance. And though I doubt I have told my family what they mean to me enough.
I have done it to a degree.
And I still have time to do more.
I hope they know that I love them and appreciate them all.
My family, my friends, my friends who I consider family.
Everyone who has influenced my life in some way.
My thanks go out to all of them.
Mentally, I am getting better.
I just have to keep fighting a little longer to fix the physical.
This is going to be a good thing.
And who knows where I go to from here.
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I smiled and I shed a tear reading this. very poetic and so much said.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you, Kim.
I mean this.