Friday, July 16, 2010

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall

Today, the world feels a little easier.
I feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I have finished the anti biotics so maybe my head can have some space once again.
For some reason, I turn into such a cow on them, bitching at everyone.
But today I say goodbye to them and begin to feel more myself.

I didnt sleep last night.
I accidentally saw something that was not nice for me to see.
It was in my mind all night.
Everytime I drifted off, I woke pretty soon after with a jump.

So after dinner, I was sitting on the couch.
I felt more grounded. Mum sitting next to me, dad on the other side of the room.
I felt safe. I curled up and I slept.
Real sleep. Sleep without dreams, sleep without rude awakenings.

I slept on for 3 hours, but I felt so much better afterwards.
I had the energy to do some of my laundry.
I tided, dusted and vacuumed downstairs.
I finished setting my dads new phone up with ringtones and games.
I taught him how to use it.
I finally emptied my bin (Been promising to do this for like the past 3 days)
And I replied to a load of things I have been putting off.

Im feeling more how I used to feel now.
Breathing still isnt great, but I am determined not to let it get me down.
I have prospects for the future.
There may eventually be an end to this, a cure.
It may result in lots of surgery and hospital time.
It may eventually result in a transplant.
But, if it means I can breathe, if it means I can live without the nebulisers, dressings and tubes.
Then, it will all be worth it.

And if it dosnt work out that way, then least I know that I gave it my best shot.

I found a letter the other day.
I wrote it when I first got out of hospital the very first time.
It was about a hallucination I had had while in ICU.
Mother Christmas was there, she was tucking me up in a patchwork quilt on the sofa so I could see the christmas lights on the tree.
She asked me what I wanted most.
And I replied that I wanted to have one last real Christmas with my family.
To tell them all what they mean to me.

Well I got that chance. And though I doubt I have told my family what they mean to me enough.
I have done it to a degree.
And I still have time to do more.
I hope they know that I love them and appreciate them all.
My family, my friends, my friends who I consider family.
Everyone who has influenced my life in some way.
My thanks go out to all of them.

Mentally, I am getting better.
I just have to keep fighting a little longer to fix the physical.
This is going to be a good thing.
And who knows where I go to from here.

1 comment:

  1. I smiled and I shed a tear reading this. very poetic and so much said.
    My thoughts are with you, Kim.
    I mean this.