Saturday, July 17, 2010

Is t positive? or Negative?

I spoke to a close friend last night.
Actually spoke to them in person.
I mentioned to her about the whole, leaving happy memories with people just in case.
She said that I shouldnt think this way, that I should be being more positive that everything will work out ok.
Is my thinking negative? or has it become just a quiet acceptance and my way of making it positive?

We were also talking about future prospects and how surgery fits in with those.
How perhaps this surgery that is planned will get me back on my feet and if there are complications further down the line, then maybe research will have progressed and there are other options actully legal in this country such as transplant.
I said I would rather go through the hassle and just get the most advanced surgery now, so that I can get on with life.
I dont want this to work temporary.
I dont want to get into the position where I get really into something and then have to leave because of my health again.
I have done it 3 times so far and I think thats enough. Its wastes everyones time and money.

Again, she said that is bad thinking, that even if I were to get sick again, it dosnt mean I would have to leave everything and start over once I was well.
I can see her point, but I am thinking perhaps my response is a learnt response.

I do have a tendency to throw myself head first into the things I do.
I often dont have the energy to do things, so when I get the urge to do it, I do it all the way like 120%
But I had a full time job and friends, then i gave all that up to be in hospital for my liver transplant.
I trained to be a nurse for years and then because I was ill and tried to hide it, I had to leave that.
Then i trained in computers and made lots of friends, but had to leave due to my mental health.
I went back and restarted the computers but had to leave again because of my breathing and hospital admissions.

I think my thinking is fairly positive. I mean I keep trying and going back.
But its just come as a kind of expectation that something will happen to make it impossible to carry on each time I get into something.

I dont know.
I have a lot of fears, but im trying to ignore them and focus on the positive right now.
But what is positive?
And is my positive different from other peoples positive?

1 comment:

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