Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Die quietly

She sits on her bed, catching her breath.
Just run a neb and suction, with not much relief.
That marks round four of this evening.
Hears mum footsteps as she comes in to her room.
They make eye contact.

Her mum comes and hugs her, saying everything is going to be alright.
That the worst is over.
Explaining that she cares.
Asking if there is anything she can do to help.

She blinks, to clear the tears from her eyes as she rests back on her pillow.
Her back aching from so much coughing.
As her eyes clear she tunes back in to what her mum is really saying.

No there is no hugging.
Hugging is a thing that only happens to keep up appearance with hospital staff.
None of them here.

She tries to focus on what is being said.
But it feels almost as unbelivable as the last image.
She is being lectured.
How there is so much to do, how she should be packing.

As tears begin to form in the corner of her eye
she blinks them back
Her mum storms out
Time to move again.

Yeah as you can guess, I spoke to soon yesterday about feeling better. I have been semi awake since 4am (21 hours ago) I awoke coughing, chocking spluttering and gasping. Old memories come pouring in, I cant go back to this, not now, not ever, but escpially not now.


Felt so rough I actully saw the doctor this evening. She said give the anti biotics a bit longer to kick in. Tole her I was having to run a neb every 30 mins to keep actully keep breathing, she said that is fine and to continue with it if it helps. Well yeah that is helpful, its totally fine, I dont need sleep at all. She said hope you have travel insurance as if things dont improve you will need to be admitted. (Surly it would have been more proactive to admit me now, give me IV drugs and humidity and kick this infections butt before I slide too far?)


If things get bad tonight im to go to A&E. Problem is, My A&E is not my specialist hospital that I was in last time. It is the hospital I have been in a few times since my transplant. It is the hospital where you are pretty much gaurnteed a 2 week stay as it takes that long to actully get a doctor to review you once they ship you to a ward. Its the hospital, where you usually come out with more infections than you went in with. It is not a clean hospital. And yeah, there are certain steps you can take yourself. But when you are given a side room for being immunosuprressed, but then find out that your room, adjoins and shares a bathroom with the side room next door, you begin to worry. When you look outside and see that the side room is being barrier nursed and has infectious signs all over the door, you begin to panic.

A bottle of spray bleach becomes your best friend. But of course when your feeling crap, that isnt always an option. When you enter the bathroom and smell cigarette smoke, you just want out as quick as possible. Coat yourself in alco gel.

Please dont let me get rushed in there before my holidays. My parents need this holiday, I need this holiday. 2 holidays have already been cancled due to me being in hospital, dont make this one the same. Come on chest, start working properly.


1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear all this. I have been working my shift and covering the opposite shift on the other end of the week, so I am not getting around to reading everyone's post. I am just tired these days.
    I hope you start feeling better. Hang in there Kim.