truth

Sod it, I said i would be honest. And if anyone is does think bad of me, so be it. I feel guilty enough already so yeah.

So, for the last week, I have really let myself go.
I had all my pills sitting there ready to be taken and I just looked at them and burst into tears. Is this what my life has become. A mass of pills. Chemicals to make my body work normally. And I looked and thought, by taking these, I am accepting everything that is wrong and I dont want to accept it, not to deal with it. I felt good and positive, but physically could not bring myself to take the pills. Every-time I put them in my hand, my eyes watered up, my throat closed and I just couldnt bring myself to take them. So I didnt.

Which is bad enough if it had been one night. But it wasnt. I couldnt force myself to take any of my regular meds, nor do any of my treatments, nebulisers, suction or even take the anti biotics I was prescribed. I stopped wearing my night time filter and I stopped putting cream on my infection.

I went through a lot of withdrawals on my meds and saw a lot of symptoms come back. Heart running on a resting 130 bpm, chest clogging up, temperature rising, skin breaking out and stomach playing up. And yet I still couldnt bring myself to take them. So for the last week I didnt bother at all. Which is really bad.

I still feel the same way and I am still struggling to take them. But if I get ill, its not me who is going to suffer most. Its my familiy who have already been to hell and back with my medical crap. We go on holiday in May and I dont want to effect that by becoming sick.

But more than that, I might not want to accept these problems, but ignoring them is not going to make them go away is it. I want rid of this damn trach more than anything. But if i cant be trusted with medication and looking after myself at the moment, is any surgeon going to be willing to take the risk with me to try a new experimental procedure?

So for more than just me, I need to start taking my meds again. Ive just sorted them all into boxes.

and im going to try and restart taking them. Ive just done my nebuliser and suction. So heres hoping they will go down and stay down now.