Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Onwards we go

Today has been hard.
I am really bad at getting myself off the internet of a night and into bed. It seems once bed time starts ticking round, I remember all kinds that I have to do and as a result dont get to sleep till stupid o'clock. Last night it was about 1am. This would normally be fine, but I knew that i had to be up at 7:15 for college. Still I could cope with that. Except that yet again at 3 I woke up gasping as if my throat was closing. Sleepily sat up and set my nebuliser up and ran that through for about 20 minutes till I could breathe again and went back to sleep. Woke up again at 5:30 once again unable to breathe properly. It does clear pretty easy with a neb, but its the effort of waking up, plugging in the machine (Its on the other side of my double bed) and sitting there while it runs.

So I went to college, first lesson, so less than an hour since I had last ran my nebs. Went to ask a question as I was stuck with my virtual networking server and nothing came out. My voice completely died. This made it really hard to keep up with the lesson. I missed last weeks lesson as I that was when I was having my bronchoscopy so I had work to catch up on. But could I find out what work I needed to catch up on? no not really.

By second lesson, I was ready to go home. My breathing started to feel tight again. Changing classrooms, I stopped at the loo in between so I could sit down and get my breathe back. I managed to make it through all 3 of my lessons, but it was getting harder and harder. I was literally sucking the air into my lungs. It was starting to get scary, at one point I thought I was going to pass out and I couldnt cough anything up as my throat was to dry to shift anything. I started thinking about what would happen if I collapsed in college. I have no idea. None of the tutors are medically trained and I would feel so ashamed if anything like that happened.

Even my tutor comment on my breathing today. He kept asking me through the lesson if I was ok, to which I kept nodding. After the lesson he said told me that I sounded awful and that I should go home and rest. He also said he was proud of the way I was still carrying on with the course and coming in right after being discharged from hospital and stuff.

I slowly walked to my car, which was parked right next to the door. I was sucking in breath as best I could but it felt like my lungs where on fire and I had to sit still in the car for about 15 minutes while I regained my breath enough to drive.

I cant live like this. Its driving me nuts not being able to even walk between rooms. I emailed my surgeon last night. (remember what I said about always remembering around bed time that I had things to do, well it was kinda midnight) Well anyway, he got my email this morning and rang the house phone to speak to me. When he got no answer he started panicking incase I had arrested again. He phoned my mum at work and asked her why I wasnt answering the phone. She rang me to make sure I was ok and stuff.

So I havnt actually spoken to my surgeon, but he basically told mum that there is nothing he can do really as every time he does anything, even a scope, i get worse. He said that if I am really struggling then to phone the ward but he dosnt know what else to suggest. He is also out of the country next week so I need to try and make sure I dont get ill then. Dont think i would trust any of the other surgeons in the hospital as I have always been under the same one. Just have to try to preserver.

It would also appear that the Amlodipine has not started to work yet even after doubling the dose. I had to go for an ECG yesterday morning and my pulse then was 127. Taken the ECG to the doctors so I suppose I will find out the results of that on Thursday evening at my appointment. Also had to go for yet more blood tests, this time a fasting glucose and a hemoglobin. Again, will get the results on Thursday.

Im just so tired of everything at the moment. I have a ton of work to do for uni and I just cant concentrate on it. I wonder if my oxygen levels effect my concentration? Maybe, and I really hate to say this, but I am thinking about get the permeant tracheotomy. I cant live like this unable to move anywhere and feeling like im going to pass out whenever I do move. I really really dont want it. But it would beat being the way I am now. Oh well onwards we go I suppose, just need to try and stay positive. There are so many people who are worse off than me. Least things like my liver function and kidney function tests are all fine so the transplant centre are happy with me even if none of my other teams are. hmm.

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