But it gets to night, and I cant bring myself to wind down to sleep. Its silly oclock by the time I do drift off. But when the house goes quiet, and I relax and watch some tv, then the thoughts come streaming back. Thoughts of harm and damage. Cravings of death. Which is odd, as the thing that I want least during the day is death. But I know that damage is not far away either. It wont take much, just a small slip. But the thoughts wont leave me alone. At night, I feel truly terrified, but I dont know what of. I am apprehensive about going back to london in a couple of weeks for surgery, I am more so apprehensive about their plans for me and what I want. I also know that I am not strong enough for what they do want. Physically and mentally. Last year I was a mess, the time in hospital, left me broken, to the point that I am still trying to rebuild. There is no end in sight. But why does my mind spin it down to destruction and damage. Its thoughts like this that once again push me to a place where I feel so alone. There is no one that I can turn to about this, this isnt anyone who even knows my thoughts.
But on the other side, whilst this is going on in the background, I am enjoying life. Achieving goals, having fun, taking pleasure in the small stuff.
In the mean time, have my current favourite song.
When you watch he world just turn away
And break the promises it made
When love is all too hard to hold
Just take a breath and let it go