Saturday, June 29, 2013

Needed - Balance

I have said it way to much but still say it now. Nights like tonight, I need to write. I need to remember, I need the emotions. Yet I doubt I can do any justice to this. The subject is to big and I am too exhausted.

But days like today, things change and change a lot. They give me such a glimpse to the future and now always in a good way.

Today, my parents visited, I wasnt expecting it, they just turned up. I cant say how I felt. I knew that I looked rough and that it would be a shock in a way for them to see how much has changed in the last week or so since I last saw them.

What I hadnt prepared for though, was how much of a change I would see in myself.

I have done long term hosptial stays and I know they have an effect on you, but you can work on it once again when you get out of hospital. But this time, I couldnt keep up with a visit. My body was not physically strong enough to keep up with just sitting.

Simple things, I am lying on my bed quite comfy, no real stress. But I still had to have my nebs running all the time else my chest felt too tight to get the air in. I was mostly just listening to the conversation happening around me but rapidly finding out that in fact, even had I wanted to join in more I couldnt.

If i planned agead, I can control my breathing to get one full sentence out at a time followed by a couple of quick breathes and a few more words. But this was not susuataiable. To hold conversatin, became a chore or breaking things down. 4 words seemed to be my limit. So 4 words followed by 2 big breathes and 4 more words 2 more breathes 4 more words. And so on till I got my sentence out. You can imagine how long anything took to come out.

And if dad didnt get what I was saying or interupted me, I wanted to throw something at him.

Mum could see how hard I was finding things and took pity on me. Taking themselves off to do there own things and come back later. I feel guilty that they have traveled so far to come see me, only to find I cant keep up with them. Its not a nice experince.

Bless her though, she goes into full Mum survival mode for me. Making me nice food, tidying my drawer up, sorting my washing. Anything she can do to lessen the load on me.

Part of me wants to say, its not meant to be this way, not this quick.
But then, perhaps this is ideal. Maybe we both needed the harsh jolt of reality to show where we are up to.

Dad didnt like the idea of leaving me tonight. He was suitably anxious at how hard I was finding it just being right now. But as mum explained to him, it was the effort of me being there that was causing me such issues. If they hadnt been there, then I would have been resting my muscles instead of trying to force them to breathe and work.

Time will tell and tomorrow is a new day and all that jazz. But today has been a steep learning curve for all involved. One that shows just how close to the edge i am wandering right now. One wrong slip, one lose pebble and it could all come down on top of me.

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