Thinking

Well I am still in, which I am not as upset as I thought I would be.]
The other night when I couldnt sleep, turned into a full night of being so wide awake, more awake than I usually am of a day. The next day was hard, I ended up getting up at 7:30am and having a shower in hopes of it waring me out enough to get a couple of hours rest. No such luck, but an early night the following night saw me getting some rest once again.

Monday, on ward rounds, I was feeling better, but still not where I usually am after a 2 week course of IVS, so we decided to send off some more samples (I was meant to send them last week, but given that I wasnt able to move the crap on my chest, I hadnt ben able to get anything) and give a couple more days of IVs, given that my line was still playing nicely.

And so that finds me here, with far to much time on my hands for contemplating.

I think I am reaching a place where I am starting to forgive myself for not bouncing back the way I should of after transplant. You read so many stories of people getting a new lease of life and making the more of it. I have always had this guilt, that i was not worthy of such a gift because I have done nothing with it.

But time is healing and I realsie, that coming back out of ICU, I was unlikely to bounce back. I am reading a lot of documents at the minute for the solictors and they are giving me more info into the past. Coming back from 3 months of lying flat and not using any muscles is hard enough for anyone, but I did it with a crappy airway.

Since getting out of ICU that first time, my airway has been at about 50% what it should be. Coupled together with damaged lungs and a healing abdomen, its no wonder I have never been able to return to full fitness.

As I sit here and watch the meds go straight to my blood stream, I know I am lucky. I know I have a long way to go before my body gives up. And believe me i am thankful for that. But I also know where my frustration leads from. I want to be doing things, yet my body dosnt let me. The airway is a problem, but its the effects you dont think of from that that give the hardest problems. The constant exhaustion. The fact that even a small excursion is enough to wear me out so much that I sleep for the entirerty of the next day.

 Its not the breathlessness that gets me down, its the constant exhaustion.

But alas, It is what it is and all I can do for the time being, is wait for change and make the most of the oppertunties that present to me.