Wednesday, July 11, 2012

hope for the best

This post, isnt going to be about holidays or transplant week, which is a little disapointing, but I promised honesty in this blog, about health related things and I feel that I need to outlet some of today.

The holiday, was planned and rushed, because I wanted to take my niece to America and I wanted her to have memories of me outside of hospital junk. Things feel like they are going downhill with little working in my favour. I dont have far to sink. My parents are aware of my feelings, but have never really spoken much about it.

Today, I had a meeting with a solicitor and the subject came up.
Sat there talking about it, has to be one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

My parents hope that it isnt going that way, but at the same time, they understand why I feel the way I do.

For a long time, when I was depressed, I said that I would not go through transplant again if it came up. Dad dosnt think that I would stick to this. I dont know, until in that position, I dont think I can answer it as it would depend upon to much at the time.

But with that, Mum still blames herself. She said that she knows that the past 10 years have not been happy ones and that they said yes to transplant straight away and that that was not what I would have wanted.

I need to let mum know in some way, that its not like that. That I dont blame her for my pain these last 10 years. That I am glad that I have had them and been able to do what I have done. She needs to know that, I just couldnt get the words out.

It is a very strange subject, talking about end of life stuff with your parents. It might not happen and I hope it dosnt. I still hold hopes that the next surgery will be the one that will allow me to breathe. But whilst I hope for the best, I prepare for the worst and keep my options open.

I am tired and I am losing the will to fight. Its not something I am sad about. I have had a good life and I am surrounded by love. And this isnt the end, we have no idea what comes next.

But, it is something that I think I need to raise with my surgeon, if I can find a way. He keeps promsing me that he hasnt given up, that he is still trying to find something that will work. But whilst he hasnt given up, I am or at least I am heading that way. Time will tell I guess.

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