Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I am still computerless. Its killing me. Ha well not as much as I would have suspected. Things have been so busy.

At first this annoyed me. I mean really annoyed me to the point of wanting to cry.

I came back off my trip and i had to be up and out the room for 6:30 am. I expect eventually got home at 6 am the next day. Exhausted didn't even cover it. At 10 mins I was awoken as mum had hired the carpet cleaner for that afternoon. She got it for 24 hours but was going to be at chemo all the next morning so most of it had to be done that afternoon.

Its a lot to do in that time. They always say we will share it, but it never works that way.

So I have been jumping from one task to the next and running on empty so to speak. But the list of jobs mounts up. Jobs my dad used to do, now fall to me. And it is now i truly see how worn he is. I knew it all along but now I feel his pain. Simple things like decorating a tree become a huge chore and i can't help hope for things to get easier. For the day when putting up a tree is a simple task.

And i do still hold out for that, I have to. Hold onto the hope that breathing will once again become natural.

As I write this I stare at the gown next to me waiting for me to put it on. For I have just done the 3 hour train journey to london where I sit in charing cross tower awaiting my tune up. I couldn't make the 3 months. Pain got the better of me.

And i contemplate where to from here.

My surgeon always said when you have had enough let me know. I think i maybe at that point. But what does that hold for the future. I have said before that the travelling and surgery take it out of me. That going so often, used to be an adventure but is becoming soul destroying. Leaving me with big gaps where I feel unable to see my true self.

And so I think it is time for a review, within the next month or so.
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